Finding the Way

More and more I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life. Little J is not so little anymore and the older she gets the more I feel like I need to start pursuing my dreams.

I've been on the fence for a while now about whether I want to continue writing. I love it, don't get me wrong, but I just haven't had a passion for it lately. My days and nights have been consumed with photography ~ stalking my favorite blogs, taking pictures of the girls, researching business opportunities, etc. I want to learn everything I can about it and I just don't feel the same way about writing right now. With that said, I also can't help my brain from coming up with ideas. Ideas for articles, blog posts, quizzes, books. I don't understand why this is happening. Things are constantly swirling around in my head, but I can't seem to push myself to pitch these ideas to a magazine or a website.

I think it's fear that keeps me from doing it. I'm stuck up in my head, dreaming about the way things could be without ever really putting myself out there to actually make them happen. I can't live like this anymore though. I don't have any direction and I hate that. The problem is I don't know where to start. A while ago I signed myself up for for a writing course. Should I cancel it? Should I give it one last shot and try to make some extra cash to pay for a new camera? Should I not think about any of this right now and focus on getting us out of debt? If that's the right answer, then what happens to my dreams? They get put on hold again. If that keeps happening, I'm afraid I'll become depressed. I'll have nothing to look forward to, nothing to strive for.

It's so hard right now with small children. I can't really do much of anything. Everything has to be done in spurts. 5 minutes - check my e-mail. 15 minutes - write a blog post. 25 minutes - fold the laundry. I can barely find time to shower in the morning. Ugh! I'm stuck! That's the only way I know how to describe my feelings right now. I wish I had a mentor or someone to tell me what to do. Exactly. In clear, easy steps. One by one. So I can check them off my list.

How did you decide to stop dreaming and actually start living? How did you know you weren't going to fail miserably and end up worse off than you were before? How did you find the time, the finances, the motivation?


Shade of Green said...

Your blog post really got to me. I have two children. A 3 1/2 year old and a 12 month old. Sadly, since entering motherhood I've felt that while one dream had come true I was giving up so many more. I love working, talking to people, being social, making money and contributing to society. I know that raising my children does that but it isn't always stimulating to the mind. I've been a teacher and education is my passion and like you feel about writing I've felt about teaching and my degrees. So now what. I've found something that is really helping me through this time of my life and I'm not pitching this as a business opportunity to get you join me. I'm telling you this b/c I relate (100%). I became a Shaklee Distributor last May and by accident really and this has done wonders for me socially, emotionally and financially. I've been able to meet new people, learn more about me and my skills, DREAM AGAIN and still be with my children and not give up that dream or the dream of being with them. So there is hope for you and really don't stop dreaming.


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Meg said...

Okay so I'm pretty much in the same position that you are. There are so many things I would love to persue, but I don't know which one to tackle first. Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night because I'm thinking about it so much.

That being said, I say you should go ahead and take the writing class. If you don't, you'll regret it, I'm sure. You're already signed up, after all. If you decide that's not the road you want to take, you'll at least know you tried. But you also take amazing photos, so hold on to that and I'm sure it will work itself out!

Ms. Porter said...

Geez, you probably won't like what I have to say (and I'm no expert cause I haven't necessarily 'started living') but give yourself a break. You just had a second child, you have been working and I think you are being far too hard on yourself. It will come, just let it come. I know...whatever right? I don't find this stage (having young kids and reinventing ourselves)to be easy. My goals aren't too ambitious...I really just want to try and be content...for a change. good luck to you.