I was just reading a post on one of my favorite blogs What About Mommy and started wondering. How come no one ever tells you about the stress that comes along with having a baby? And I'm not talking about sleepless nights or cranky tantrums. I'm talking about the havoc it wreaks on a marriage. I'm sure it's not all unions. In fact, I'm sure there are some women out there who insist that their marriage is stronger now that they have kids. NOT MINE!
One of the hardest things about having J was dealing with my husband's lack of involvement. I resent him with every cell in my body. His life didn't change one damn bit. Mine was turned upside down - mind, body, and spirit. Some for better, some for worse. I'm trying my best to come to terms with my new role as a mother but there is still a part of me that wishes I could run away and hide. I was so not prepared for how having J would change the dynamic in my marriage. I feel like I am always angry at him. Angry because he doesn't feed her, dress her, change her, bathe her. Angry because he doesn't play with her. And I mean really play. Get down on his hands and knees and play. Throwing her up in the air a few times doesn't count. I'm angry when he gets on the computer 5 minutes after coming home from work. When I try to sneak in a few minutes to update this blog, my daughter is crawling all over me in the chair, pulling my hand, saying, "mommy, play with me please!"
I'm trying so hard to let it all go. To realize that this is my life now, but it's so hard. It's hard because we've been talking about having another baby. Part of me is like, why? I don't know if I can handle another child right now. But I know that if I wait too long, it'll get harder because I won't want to give up the little freedom I have. Plus, my hubby is barely here now. With another one, it'll be doubly hard ON ME!!!
Anyway, where are all the warnings about post-baby marriage blues? Maybe it would have been a little easier if I knew what to expect! Now I'm left to figure this all out on my own. My marriage and our family's happiness depends on me and my ability to keep my shit together!!!!!