The Other Woman in My Marriage

It was almost 3 years ago that I met her. I was pregnant with J and my hormones were all over the place. My once bubbly personality had slowly deteriorated into that of a raving lunatic.

She works at my husband's office (I can see you rolling your eyes already!) She's a brunette with pretty hair and big knockers. My hubby and her know a lot of the same people. They have a lot in common, or so he tells me.

In the beginning, she was all he could talk about. "She likes video games," he would say. "How come you don't play video games?" "She's into comic books," he told me. He would bring her home for lunch when I was all fat and bloated. He invited her over for dinner, when I was tired and achy. He wanted me to go to the movies with her and her boyfriend. Yes, she had a boyfriend, but that didn't mean jack to me. I'm fully aware of the backstabbing that goes on between women.

Anyway, from the moment I met her, I got a funny vibe. I couldn't put my finger on it but I didn't feel comfortable with my hubby hanging out with her, boyfriend or not! She was too nice, too friendly, too interested in the same things hubby was, she was too involved.

Soon after their friendship blossomed, I gave birth. Even in the throes of post-partum depression, hubby was still asking if N could come over during their lunch break ... to see the baby. Ha!

All the while, my hubby felt it necessary to tell me how ridiculous my feelings were, that they're just friends, that she's easy to talk to. HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT TO ME!!

If there are any men out there reading, don't EVER say that about another woman, especially if your wife has just pushed a watermelon through a pinhole.

Anyway, eventually N and her boyfriend got engaged and I thought I would get a break. Ha! Now I was expected to do couple things with these two bumbling idiots. What's worse is hubby became very good friends with N's fiance.

I never got rid of that weird feeling. I just didn't believe the "guy's best friend" act. So I bit my tongue and I hung out every now and then. Still, hubby and I fought about her all the time. I DID NOT like that he talked to her about problems we were having. What the hell is that? Uh uh, no way! The icing on the cake? They talked about sex. She's a nymph and I'm a bore. Not his words, but it's certainly how I felt. He told me about problems N and her fiance were having. She was always the one who had to initiate and he never wanted to do it. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Could it get any more ironic. My hubby and I are the exact opposite. I am the one turning him down because I'm tired.

So help me out here ladies. What would your gut tell you? Hubby has a wife who's not so into sex all the time. Hubby makes a friend who's a whore. Recipe for disaster!?!?!?!?! Still, hubby thinks it's no big deal. They're just friends.

When he tells me nothing has ever gone on, I believe him. There hasn't really ever been an opportunity, but I still don't want him hanging out with her. I DO NOT LIKE HER!

Fast forward to the present. I find out that she REALLY IS A WHORE. She as cheated on her now husband SEVERAL TIMES! When hubby told me the stories, all I could do was sit back and smile. I KNEW IT! And it's been with other co-workers. So don't you dare try to spin this shit that the two of you are just friends. It may be true but I AM NOT hanging out with this bitch. She's done! Don't ask me to her house, don't ask me to the movies, don't ask her here for dinner. I'm done putting up with it. She doesn't know that hubby and I know about all the cheating, so he feels like he can't just break off the friendship, especially since he's gotten close to N's hubby.

So why am I bringing this up now? Hubby told me N sent her an e-mail about a two family house for sale and she wanted to know if we were happy in our house. "She wants us to go in on the house together," he told me.


Does your husband have any female friends? What would you have done in a similar situation?


rhonda said...

I would have FREAKED OUT! I am jealous by nature. I get jealous when he is out talking and laughing with just the neighbors who are women!!

That is rough stuff, GF. Just keep telling him how you feel, and hopefully he will get the message :) Hugs :)

JayMonster said...

Maybe some day I will post about it, but I went through a similar situation with my wife (not while pregnant... geez, I would have been talking to you from the great beyond if that was the case).

Her brother and his wife divorced. I because of our daughters who were more like sisters than cousins, became friends with the wife.

We were having our own problems at the time, and she was "SURE" that we were having an affair. Why... because she just knew.

Was it true? No.

Was there something to be jealous of? Well maybe.

Within the friendship I got an escape from the doldrums of a troubled marriage, and had somebody to talk to. If things were different, and there wasn't something missing at home that I found so stimulating (to the brain... stop it now), her friendship may have made it less of a big deal for me, and perhaps eased her apprehension of my friendship.

Are you wrong? Um... hard to say. Every situation is unique. The real question comes down to, do you trust your husband?

If so, Is he worthy of that trust. Because if the answer to both of those questions is yes, then it really doesn't matter whether or not N is promiscuous or not, she is just a friend to him. He may get a bit of a thrill hearing about her exploits (it's a guy thing), but if you answered yes (honestly) to the questions posed, then that is as far as it will go.

Awesome Mom said...

That is just asking for trouble!!! I am not the jelous type but if he were bringing over a female coworker all the time for lunches ect. I would not be happy and would be nipping that in the bud big time. I choose not to have male friends and he has no friends so it is all good but if one of us were to suddenly show a lot of interest and be confiding to another about our marriage that would be a huge breech of trust. I don't even tell my mother a lot of personal details. Our marriage is no one's buisness but our own and bringing others into it is just asking for trouble.

The other thing is that money between friends only leads to trouble. What would you do when she did not pay her share of the house payment one month? or the next? or the next one after that? Who would be enforcing the contract? This is trouble with a big fat T.

Diana said...

*deep breath*
don't get into a house with this woman if you don't like her. Don't get into a house with this woman even if you did like her. It's the best recipe for trouble. One day I will have to tell you what happened to my hubby and I when we let a friend "who needed a place to crash for a while" stay with us. DISASTER- and he was both of our friend.
As for the trust thing- my last boyfriend had a "close friend" at work and he ended up cheating on me with her. Not saying that it'll happen to you, but be careful. Women are viscious beings. So be careful. At least you're letting your hubby know you're concerned with this, but he should take it into consideration...
Feel free to e-mail me.

C. said...

Wow. Had to de-lurk to answer your questions. I have a horrible feeling in my stomach just from reading your post.

Don't know if you are a Dr. Phil fan, but check out his website to see what he says about this kind of thing. My thinking is (which I got from Dr. Phil...) even if there is no sexual relationship between them, it sounds like a possible emotional affair and that can hurt horribly.

Sorry you're going through this.

Kristen said...

This is just all around bad. My hubz had a few female friends - one in particular that he talked to on a fairly regular basis - then she drunk dialed him (yes, a single mom with 2 kids did the drunk dial) and said how she misses talking to him (cuz he doesn't ever really call her - she calls him) and I was like - Um, she's an idiot. no more.

He talks to her now and then and I roll my eyes. I'm fine with female friends - but I draw the line. I have male friends (mostly ones that I email with now and then from grad school) - and we just talk about fun stuff (family, work, movies) - it gets a little sticky when you are divulging personal info - especially to someone that doesn't seem to have a lot of character.

I'm saying lay down the law sister.

JayMonster said...

Oh, I did miss one point earlier.

On the house. NFW.

And that's about all I got to say on that.

Sandra said...

Oh Stace, you sound so much like me, it's scary!!! LOL

My hubby once had a female friend and it was the same crap, she would tell him all about her sex life and hubby being the do gooder and wanting to help everyone thought that this was not a problem, she just needed someone to talk to. Give me a f***** break!!!! You don't go talk to another woman's husband about your sex life unless you want something in return.

You are right in wanting no contact with her, what I did with my husband was tell him flat out that I did NOT want him talking to her or associating with her, at first it caused fights cause he thought I was being unfair and playing the jealous wife part, but I made it very clear that I'M the wife and I don't feel comfortable with it. If he loves you he will understand that this upsets you and will rid himself of her.

Will keep my fingers crossed.

As for the house, that's just crossing the line and I hope your husband doesn't even consider that. Sometimes men can be soooooooo blind to things.
Hang in there,


Nicole said...

I think you need to follow your instincts on this one and they seem to be telling something is wrong with this. My husband had some close female friends in college that he exchanges Christmas cards with now, but nothing like this. I think there may be a line that is being crossed. A female friend is one thing, a female confidante is another.

Then again, I do have one male friend that I'm quite close too. But, once I got involved w/my husband, my husband got to be good friends with him, too. As I am good friends with his significant other. And, my friendship with this friend definitely changed after getting married.

Good luck with this situation. And definitely don't buy a house w/them. Tell your husband that idea is in the same arena as his trip to Italy!

Juliabohemian said...

I am telling you this from the "Christian" perspective: It is not appropriate for your husband to be carrying on any kind of relationship with this woman. If the four of you want to go out together, that is a different story. The fact that he is so hung up on her is a VERY BAD sign. The fact that he feels the need to reassure you is also a VERY BAD sign. It is totally unacceptable for him to discuss your personal relationship, sexual or otherwise, with this woman. That is a deal breaker. Any woman who thinks I am overreacting is either a pushover, has no dignity or doesn't think her relationship with her husband is worth protecting.

A very similar situation happened to me and I ended up calling in the pastor to help put an end to it. The trouble is that your husband works with this woman and so he will have to be around her at some point. I would seek counseling. This is a recipe for disaster.

Juliabohemian said...

Yeah, I missed that last bit too. Don't go into a house with these people or ANY people for that matter, unless you want your marriage to go down the tubes. It sounds like your husband already has a issue with respecting boundaries. Putting yourself in a position to share personal space with another couple would be an invitation for total chaos.

reluctant housewife said...

You know this already but do NOT go into a house with anybody.

And I think your gut is right about this woman.


IzzyMom said...

She sounds like trouble. I think you're right about her and I would INSIST that my huz terminate the friendship. Maybe not the best approach but I wouldn't be rational...


I am going to go out on a limb here and say tha I have no problem with my hub frolicking around with female friends. I am non-jealous to a fault. I do think the house thing is warped and unusual and although she may or may not be eyeing your husband, the fact that he actually talks about her and is open with their relationship shows that he really doesn't have anything to hide.

At the end of the day, he's married to you. You tell him what you want, need and its up to him to respect your feelings. (He better.) You have to go with your gut and stay true to yourself. No backpeddling. Stand tall and keep your pimp hand strong, girl. I know you will.

Meg said...

I know for a fact that members of the opposite sex can be simply platonic friends, but this would drive me crazy!

I'm not saying there's anything to be worried about, but I would be angry at the excess of time spent together. I understand making friends at work. But spending that much time together? And bringing her home for lunch? I don't think so.

But then the sex conversations and the cheating? Absolutely not. Your husband needs to understand your feelings on the matter and respect your wishes. Even if he is being completely true to you, it's just not good for him to be influenced by a woman who is such a whore!

The last straw would have been the house ordeal. Put your freaking foot down! Even if it causes a fight, I wouldn't give in on that one.

Sorry you're going through this, but I hope it all works out for you!

something blue said...

I would never buy a house with another couple, let alone one that will be on a downward spiral if N's husband ever finds out about her cheating ways. That would be a very bad situation.

Trust your instincts and never trust this awful woman.

At least your husband has included you in everything and is friends with her husband too. That makes me think that your husband is just too blinded by his friendship to recognize N's nasty whoreishness. (That's a new word!)

Mama M said...

Holy shit! No way! Is she for real? She's trouble, Big Time Trouble. A house together? Please tell me your husband isn't seriously thinking about it. No way, no how. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully, your husband will see that the ties with her just need to be severed, and that you and your feelings come first. She's not a real friend. She is EVIL!

Mrs. Chicky said...

This doesn't sound like jealousy to me, it sounds like instinct. Listen to it!

As for the rest of the stuff: No houses, no summer cottages, no storage units, no doggie condos... Nothing. This woman sounds like toxic sludge and you don't need that in your life. I would recommend that you sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation about this woman. I'm speaking from experience here. Don't let this one sit and wait for it to sort itself out.

chelle said...

Honestly, I think men underestimate women and their power. We are all too aware the power of a woman. As women we have used this power to our advantage. Most decent women would not use this power on another's husband, however we are all too aware that it is POSSIBLE to use said power.

My husband & I have agreed that friends of the opposite sex are not part of our deal. Family friends absolutely! However, neither one of us will ever "hang out" with a friend of the opposite sex without each other present. I have a few male friends that I am in contact with only online and if we were ever to meet in rl my husband absolutely has to be there. It is not about trust rather than avoiding uncomfortable situations. And I firmly believe there is no need for me or my husband to have friends exclusively our own of the opposite sex.
Ask you husband how he would feel if you hung out with and depended on another man for emotional support...he may then realize how it feels to be on the other side!

(sorry this is so long...a lot of hot air today I guess!!)

MrsFortune said...

Um, emotional cheating is still cheating.

I am totally the non-jealous type, which is kinda funny because my hubz has no female friends, at least not beyond casual acquaintances. But there is no way in freaking hell I would put up with something like that. Nuh-uh no way no how. Sorry. And that house thing is pretty funny.

HolyMama! said...

your husband needs to get OUT of that 'friendship' pronto! Whoah!

sunshine scribe said...

Trust your instincts and lay down the law. Of course don't buy a house with her!!!! It is good that your husband is being so transparent about everything but I get such a bad feeling about her and your hubby needs to severe his friendship with the whore ASAP.

Christina said...

OK, I got here late, but I still feel the need to chime in.

Trust your instincts on this one. If it feels really wrong, it probably is. I learned this long ago. I knew something was wrong, and it turned out I was right.

Now, I doubt he's cheating on you, but this girl sounds like trouble. It's clear she's interested in him, even though he may not know it. We already know she has no respect for marriage, so you can't expect her to respect your marriage vows.

Your husband may just be enjoying having someone to talk to, not realizing that she's playing the role of the "perfect friend" to get in close with him. Still, I think you're within your rights to ask him to not be alone with her. If he respects you and your marriage, he wouldn't let himself be alone with a woman with this reputation. (God, I sound so puritan here - I don't mean to, really!)

My husband had a female friend who was very similar to the girl you describe. Years later I found out that she really was trying to split us up and be with him. Luckily, he only wanted to be friends with her. I knew from the very beginning something wasn't right about their friendship, and I was right.

I'd talk to your husband about it. If he's not willing to give up the friendship, ask him what is so important about this other girl that he's willing to upset his wife over it. If he's not willing to compromise, counseling might be in order here.

And do not go in on a house with her! That just screams stalker to me.

parrotheadmom said...

For the sake of your marraige, and family, he needs to not be friends with her and her husband.

I have a good friend (I swear it isn't me!) who went through the same thing...it "almost" turned physical...she got her dh to meet with her and the other (who had a boyfriend). She told the other to stop meddling in their family (two beautiful baby girls) and to no longer contact the dh.
It was hard, she was depressed while the friendship "blossomed". He turned to the other.
Now, almost a year later, they are back on track. It can be done.
Counseling has helped them.
I hope you and your dh can find your way back to being on the same page...it's hard...but you can do it!
And, if you aren't sure, hire a private detective to make sure and never tell him!
You don't need to befriend someone you do not like, find other couples with whom you have things in common.
Best of luck to you, I will keep on checking in.

Denise said...

First time commenter...

I say go with your instinct. A woman's instinct is RARELY wrong. I had something similar happen to me with a live in boyfriend. He started getting chummy with a colleague...not too different from the way your husband has been with the whore. A lot in common, etc. Uh-huh...about a year later, AFTER I moved almost 200 miles away from my hometown with him so he could further his career...he tells me that he has fallen in love with someone else. Guess who it was. Yep. HER! They are married and have at least one kid now...maybe more. I always had a feeling about that hussy, but I chose to ignore those feelings.

Nancy said...

I am coming late to this discussion, but I do feel your instincts are right on this one. I'm not the jealous sort, but what concerns me is that they discuss your relationship, and your husband seems intrigued by the things she is in to (video games, etc.) that you're not so much.

Unfortunately, I am not sure if giving him an ultimatum to stay away from her will work. If he is feeling rebellious and emotionally attached, your expressed concerns might drive him closer to her.

That said, I don't know what I would do in this situation. Have you thought about counseling? Maybe the two of you could benefit from talking this over with a third party (who might also make the recommendation that he sever social contact with the woman -- but at least he'd be hearing it from someone else.)

Good luck!

Cityslicker Mom said...

Yikes...I don't get a really good feeling about it. All I can say is to trust your gut and tell your husband what you want from him and make sure you get it! good luck, gurl!

WriteWingNut said...

This brings up so many painful memories for me. Just look in my archives (April of 2005) to see what this kind of situation can result in. I'm so sorry you're going through this.