Yesterday I was driving and saw a funny bumper sticker.
"Hang up your phone and drive asshole."
Do you know how many times I've wanted to scream that at some idiot driver who's not paying attention. But then I thought for a minute, shit sometimes that's me. Doh!
Then I wondered how many times someone has cursed me in their car. Okay so I'm swerving a little, but I've got one hand on the wheel and the other hand in the back seat fishing around for the toy my daughter dropped. So I hesitated two seconds before stepping on the gas at a green light. Don't honk your horn, I'm turned around singing "Old McDonald" to my fussy toddler. I didn't see the damn light change.
Listen, I have no patience for people when I'm on the road either so I get that you're annoyed by me, but I'm a mom, I've got a million things on my mind and a whining 3 year-old in the back seat. Maybe we need a bumper sticker for that. So here's what I came up with ...
My Kid is on the Honor Roll at Pain in the Ass Preschool
Honk if You Have Stretch Marks
My Toddler is Driving
How Well Do You Drive on 3 Hours of Sleep?
I'm a Mom, Cut Me Some Slack
Mommy and the Ferocious Beast on Board
What would your bumper sticker say?
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35 comments:
My sticker would say,
"Stop riding my bumper, or I will slam on the brakes and sue your crazy drivin ass!"
OOOH, the anger!
"Don't make me pull this car over and whomp on your tailgating ass!"
Mine would be...
'I'm a mom, enough said'
OMGosh! you are soo funny! I have to think about this for a little bit, can't come up w/ stuff off the top.
"I'm from Jersey...I know people...so back the f off"
It's very effective out here in the PAC NW to announce being a Jersey girl. People literally back off...in any situation...literally! ;)
this is an awesome post...I gotta like flip flop mamma. I cannot come up with something clever so quickly. Too funny !
I drove behind a woman the other day swerving all over the road....I pulled around her and she was talking on a cell phone with a cigarette in her mouth and a map over the steering wheel! That's right...a MAP! I could not believe what I was seeing. So anyway...my bumper sticker:
"If I see you throw litter out of your car again, I will run you over with my big A$$ SUV"
I would borrow yours that says "how well do you drive on 3 hours sleep?"
because i'm always tired, and always seem to be on the road.
LOL. I like the pain in the ass preschool one. I think you could sell those!
Mine, is already out there on the market:
My child beat up your honor student.
I like the 3 hours of sleep one. I want that one.
Me like-y this entry. My bumper stickers would say the following:
1. Sorry if I'm swerving. I've got yogurt, snot, and gummy bears on the wheel.
2. Chinese fire drill! I'll take the care without the kids in it!
3. I brake for diaper changes.
4. I honk for hot dads.
5. I'm not driving with my eyes closing, I'm just imagining I'm there already.
6. F*ck me? No, f*ck YOU!
Let's patent them and make our millions.
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I'm seriously brain dead today. Maybe cause it's 5:30pm and I haven't had a shower!
HAHAHA I love your bumper stickers!!!
"Hold onto your panties I need to pass my toddler some juice!"
"Im a woman on the edge ... I dare ya to push me!"
I loved everyone elses ... Jay's one was great but I'm afraid thats a little too close to home at our house :) And I loved #4 & #6 of Sweeties .. order me one !!
HELP! Mother of two preschoolers. Need double prozac latte NOW
I only wish I had something as funny as everyone else.....these are just hilarious LOL
BTW email me, I have a template for you to try :)
Mine would be "If you don't get off my tail I am only going to drive slower" I actually heard somewhere that most people think they are above average drivers. I think that is soo funny because obviously most people suck at driving, except for me of course
oh yes, i have one:
stay-at-home-bitch on board. back off asshole.
and my favorite sticker (that a friend and i once had printed on that tow-away sticker paper that's impossible to get off, and would use when the situation warranted): park a little closer next time, asshole.
who am i to talk, tho? i am the worst driver/straight parker of all time.
Wake me up when the light turns green.
Watch it! My Zoloft just ran out.
( have you seen the Peace frog stickers that simply say: Life is Good )
I also like: Visualize Whirled Peas
mind you these are off topic and defensive rather than offensive...but, I am in a good space: RIGHT NOW.
Great post! Lemme think.
"Is that your bumper up my ass or are you just happy to see me?"
"I have a toddler in MY car. What's YOUR excuse?"
My sticker says "Honk if you're horney"
Mr. Morris
Ask Morris
Pass With Care, I'm Disciplining Four CHildren at the Moment.
This is a great post! I too love your "How Well do You Drive on 3 Hours Sleep?" too.
I like the ones that say "i heart" whatever. So mine would say "i heart pissing you off while driving." Or something.
Mine would be the old favorites:
"PMS and a handgun. any questions?" and
"I'm not a bit**, I'm THE bit**, and thats MISS Bit** to you!" LOL
I've always liked, "Don't like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT SHIT", but I see so many people driving with one hand while the other hand is busy diggin' for gold that I'd probably say something like that if I could make my own up. Like, "Put the booger down and drive" or something.
How about "Never get between a mother and her caffeine"? Or "Mother armed with poppy diapers and not afraid to use them".
I like "I'm a mom, cut me some slack." I could definitely use that some days.
For me, a good one would be "Back off -- I haven't had my coffee yet."
Hmm, does Cafe Press let you produce bumperstickers? I see a potential market in this idea!
I LOVE, "How well do you drive on 3 hours of sleep?" I want to have that made up for my car NOW!!!!!
How about, "Limosine to the Future President of the United States of America. She's sleeping in the Back."
Ha! These are great.
Mine would say, "Stop Honking. You'll Wake Me Up."
That is so funny. The other day I looked over at the car beside me at the red light. It was some old dude with a HUGE white sign on his dash and with HUGE black letters it said: HANG UP AND DRIVE. I chuckled at the thought of him waving his sign at people as he drove by, probably causing more peril that the guy on the cell phone. hee hee.
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I love the Honk if you have stretch marks. Came to you through Holy Mama.
When I had our last baby I was 46. After about 5 or 6 weeks of little to no sleep, I drug myself to the grocery store where I was face to face with a cheery checker who had the gall to ask me if I was the grandmother to this cute little boy. Yeah, well I just said NO...I'M HIS MOTHER. It got painfully quiet. I could feel myself getting red in the face, but I kept my peace. What I wanted to do was...crawl up on the checkout counter and yell..."Do you want to see my stretch marks for proof?" So...I like that one...I way way way relate!
I've seen that sticker too, it's great. My favorite I've seen was "use your turn signal asshole!" B/c I swear around here it's like turn signals don't exist. Everyone must thing they are the only person in the world that matters. Grrrr...
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