A Sigh of Relief

I am so grateful to all of you who commented on yesterday's post. I was nervous that no one would be willing to talk about it and I needed to know that I wasn't alone. I was also worried that some troll would come along and make me feel like a loser.

I appreciate all of the suggestions, too. I agree that a lot of being able to orgasm is mental. And when I'm fighting with my spouse and dealing with a cranky toddler, the last thing on my mind is sex. Unfortunately, it happens all too often and then when I do feel frisky, it's hard to put all of that stuff in the back of my head. Jeez, I wish it were as easy for us as it is for men.

There are some other issues that play into my feelings about sex. I wrote about this before but I got pregnant when I was 16. Without going into too much detail, I didn't keep the baby. I'm reluctant to talk about it on here because I know it's a controversial subject. But that changed everything for me. I was scared to do it after that. I wanted nothing to do with my boyfriend, but I didn't have the confidence to walk away. I was a teenager who was dating someone older. I was a doormat. I didn't like conflict. All of these things kept me in the relationship a lot longer than I should have been.

When it finally ended, I was relieved, but I'm the type of person who hates to be alone. It wasn't long before I found another boyfriend who eventually became my husband. I've been with my husband for more than 10 years and I'm not even 30 yet. There were a few guys in between but they used me. I gave them what they wanted and was tossed aside. Because of this, I've never been comfortable with the emotional side of sex.

Physically, it wasn't like it was supposed to be either. A lot of times it hurt. I was always very dry too. I've talked to my Gyno about this and he said to use a lubricant, which I do, and that the more I do it, the easier it will get. Yes he actually said that to me. To be fair, he said it after I gave birth and the pain was from being stitched up too tight (at least that's what I choose to believe). It took a long time to not cringe every time my hubby came near me after J was born.

So anyway, thanks again to all of you for being supportive.

p.s. Check back tomorrow for the debut of Lollipop!


Nancy said...

I strongly believe that one's early sexual life can come back to wreak havoc years later when it's least expected. That has happened to me, and I may blog about it sometime so I won't share here.

Have you thought about counseling, or maybe a new GYN that you can talk to more openly? Not saying that there's an issue, just that maybe working through some of this past stuff and some of your uncomfortableness about sex might be something that a professional could work through with you.

Hugs to you for being so strong and brave to discuss!

Mrs. Chicky said...

I had to tell you that you are a very brave woman to talk about this. I hope talking, or writing, it out helps you.

mothergoosemouse said...

Both of my children came out the window, not the door, so I wasn't stitched up down there - but I still had the same looooooong transition period after giving birth. Difficult, uncomfortable, sometimes downright painful.

I'm glad that the comments were helpful.

Stacy said...

I think the best way to conquer vaginal dryness is with lots and lots of saliva, HIS saliva. He, he.

Anonymous said...

After I had my first daughter I had pain during sex everytime! for years! she's 9.
It has to do with the scar tissue down there, so it would always hurt going in, like I was a virgin all over again. I think since you know it's going to hurt, you have a mental block and it's hard to relax, that's how I was. After my 2nd daughter, even though I had stitches again, I haven't had any pain. And since I KNOW that it's not going to hurt, it never does. I agree with Stacey, HIS saliva will work wonders!!

Mommy off the Record said...

Echoing everyone else--you are brave to post about this and it's actually been quite informative for me too so thanks! Sex after childbirth has been a difficult road for me, like I said previously. It really hurt and it made it very hard...actually, it's still a little hard. Hopefully, it will be back to normal eventually. By then, I'll probably be pregnant again though!

Sandra said...

Well you're definitely very brave to talk about this subject. Wish I had seen your post yesterday, but was sick and not on the computer.

I am like you in many ways, one of the main things that plays into it is if something is going on around the house or with me. If we have a fight or I'm upset with him or feeling like I'm not getting help, the last thing I want to do is lay down with him LOL

He once asked me "what does taking out the trash have to do with having sex?", my answer "A LOT" LOL

Hang in there, you're not the only one, unfortunately for men it's more a physical thing, with women it's emotional and if we're not in that frame of mind, it really is hard to get in the mood. :)

MrsFortune said...

Well, it's done me a world of good reading these two posts, since I haven't um, visited, the, um, you know, since the baby was born.

Mama of 2 said...

I agree with those that have said how brave you are to broach this subject. I for one commend your decision about your first child. At such a young age I feel you made the right choice. There are many woman out there who can't have children and desperately crave a family. I honestly feel that you thought about what was not just best for you but the child as well. BRAVO!

dennis said...

Well speaking from the guys perspective...at a young age we were just happy 'getting some.'

It was not until I met my wife that heard the word 'no'.

She simply told me this was not what she wanted and repeated it... until I understood what she wanted.

We have been married almost 12 years and my main focus (mind you not my only focus) during sex is find out what pleases her, because quite honestly, being a guy, I am already getting what I want!

something blue said...

The daily life tends to make me desire sleep more than anything else.

Can't wait to see your site tomorrow!

mamatulip said...

I just posted below about this too...but if I'm going to have good sex I have to be in the right mindframe. So many times I *want* to have sex, but I'm too tired. Sounds lame, I know, but after a day with a 3-year old and a 1-year old, I'm beat. You know? So the mindframe goes a long way for me.

Mel said...

I recommended a book to you in the last post's comments section. I really do recommend that you get that book, not only for some basic reassurances, but for all that shit we were all too embarrassed to pay attention to in health/sex ed class.
And also, I just learned that there is something called "the husband's stitch" - when the good doc sews up your episiotomy, he may add an extra stitch, to tighten you up for hubby. Nice, right? Sonsabitches.