I've started telling people about our new baby on board. The way I see it is, if something bad was going to happen then the people who are closest to me would know about it anyway. I'm not a superstitious person so I don't think sharing the news will jinx this pregnancy. I'm pretty much an open book anyway, as you can tell from this blog.
I will tell you, dear Internet friends, that I am a little preoccupied. I have been feeling crampy all week. Mostly it's like period cramps, nothing really painful, but it has been consistent. I try to tell myself that it could just be things moving around, stretching out, getting ready for a baby, but there is still a part of me that is worried.
Things are different this time around. I am a lot more active. I have a part-time job that is pretty physical and I'm also chasing after a 3 year-old all day. Maybe feeling crampy is just par for the course.
I'm not spotting and I have no other symptoms, but I have had a miscarriage before. Before J was born, I got pregnant really quickly and really easily. Hubby and I said "okay, let's try," and that was it. We were pregnant the first time. I told everyone right away and they were all excited.
Afew days later, hubby and I went down the shore with some friends. They knew I was pregnant, but didn't really seem to care because they all smoked (some cigarettes, some pot) and drank and had a grand old time. I just walked away whenever anyone lit up. I'm not the type of person who would get all pissy and forsake someone a good time. I just stayed far away.
A day or two into our vacation, we recieved some horrible news. One of the guys we were with got a phone call that his sister passed away. She was only 23 years-old. She drowned in the town pool. Apparently she had a seizure in the water. The worst part is that no one noticed and she was at the bottom of the pool for a few minutes before anyone saw her. Shocking, I know. There is a lawsuit pending.
Anyway, we were all shocked. We frantically started packing everything up. Hauling suitcases and lugging beach bags back into the car. Cleaning the house and taking the garbage to the curb. We drove all the way home and the next morning, I started bleeding.
Maybe it was the stress of the situation, maybe it was just meant to be, but it was bad timing to say the least. I went to the doctor and he confirmed my fears. I was devastated. I bled for a few days and then that was it. No more baby. It felt so weird to mourn someone I had never met, but it was even worse to attend a real live funeral in the process.
Because I had told everyone early on, news spread quickly. At the funeral my friends kept congratulating me. At one point, it became too unbearable and I lost my cool. I stepped outside and started bawling. How convenient to be at a funeral. No one questioned my tears. I didn't want to add to anyone's grief so I stayed quiet.
I'm trying to remember how I felt the first time. Whether I was crampy then, too. I know I probably shouldn't compare, but I can't help it. My mother wants me to call the doctor, but I already have an appt. next week. I'm just going to wait it out. If it's meant to be, then things will turn out just fine. Besides, part of me wants to be oblivious if things don't work out because my sister is getting married and I don't want to be sad for her big day.
Since so many of you have said you've miscarried before, would you mind sharing some of how you felt? If it's too personal, I totally understand. And maybe this isn't the right thing to do because I'm just going to worry more, but maybe it will comfort me too. Thanks ladies!