1.14.2008

Alone

I'm sitting here thinking about what I want to tell my husband. He's not home, but he wants me to wait up so "we can talk."

Last night we had a fight. We were in bed. He wanted to have sex, but I just wanted to disappear under my comforter and drift off to sleep. I was joking around, telling him that I'm always so tired, that this is the way it's going to be while the kids are little and he said, "I could get better." At least...that's what I heard. He insists he said, "It will get better." Long story short, we did not have sex.

Here's the thing ~ the story is a long one. We've had problems on and off for a while. I'm not really sure what the deal is. I want to try and explain to him why it seems like I'm always shooting down his attempts to 'have a little fun' but I don't even know myself.

I want to tell him that I feel so bad for all the excuses I've come up with over the years. I want to tell him that I appreciate how patient he's been. I want to tell him that it's not him, at least not in the way that he thinks. I love him, but I feel so ... so ... so ... I don't know. Gosh, I can't even find the words here. There's just so much water under the bridge that even on the good days it feels like I have to try so hard to feel connected.

Sometimes I feel jealous of my husband. He's got it so easy. He gets to wake up at his leisure, (usually) take a nice, quiet shower, get dressed and walk.out.the.door. I'm left at home taking care of 2 kids and feeling guilty for wanting to be anywhere else but here. I am resentful ~ that's the word. I've talked about this many times before. I feel like my entire life was turned upside down when my daughter was born. Hubby's on the other hand was only mildly disrupted.

I could go on and on about the disparity between our everyday lives, but I'm so over it. I need to accept that things will never be equal. I will never get to sit on the couch and watch TV while Big J begs daddy to play with her. I am, after all, the mom. I'm the one they want.

Still, how can I stop looking at my husband with such envy? How can I get back to a place where we laugh and joke, where I look at him with loving eyes instead of anger? Ugh, part of me doesn't want to have this conversation. We've had so many different versions anyway. Me and my woe-is-me mommy rant. We keep coming back to the same thing. Or I keep using the same excuse. Not sure which one. What is my problem? The attraction is still there. Most of the time. And when it's not is when we're fighting, which seems like every day. I guess it's just the desire. I'll be the first to admit I'm a lazy lover. I'd rather just put on my pj's and go to bed. I feel awful saying this, but there are times all I think about is how much sleep I'm losing. I obsess about it. I count the hours I'm not getting.

I thought writing this all out would help me sort through my feelings, but I'm so confused. Really I'm just babbling. Sorry to put you through this. Ugh! He'll be home any minute. Wish me luck!

6 comments:

Meg said...

I went through the same thing when I have post-partum depression. I resented my husband for everything, from not being the one who breastfed to being the one who could leave everyday for work. It was a very bad time in life for me. Once I got my own life under control, our marriage got much better.

I'm not saying you have PPD, but I'm just saying I know how you feel. There are many nights I would rather sleep than have sex (last night was one of them!). I hope everything went well in your talk last night and that you guys can work through all of this.

andria said...

I feel the same way. I get three hours of sleep a night and then spend the rest of the darkness wrestling a crying baby while my husband finishes his slumber in the guest room. Just the fact that he's getting eight hours opposed to my three makes me so not want to do it with him when he asks.

Just know you're not alone.

Ms. Porter said...

Oh you aren't alone..I wish more women would blog about this kind of thing.
You should tell him what you 'wish' you could tell him....talk about it, or talk with someone about it. It's not you and not your problem, and not the way it has to be either.

Cathy said...

A poster on my blog (mel) referred me here.

I just wrote about the same issue. My husband and I argue about this all the time.

And it's not just us. My girlfriends describe the same continuing sex/no sex dispute in their homes.

I have no advice, but can totally commiserate.

Arizaphale said...

Its a men are from Mars thing.......we just don't need it like they do.....and we have to be in the right HEAD space as well as groin space.......but the resentment is a common issue....I will read on and see how it went.

Melinda Zook said...

This is so scary. I am reading your blog posts here and I am seriously feeling like I am reading about myself. I am so glad to know there are other women out there going through similar issues. My hubby and I have this problem. We are dealing with it but it is definitely hard.