Alone

I'm sitting here thinking about what I want to tell my husband. He's not home, but he wants me to wait up so "we can talk."

Last night we had a fight. We were in bed. He wanted to have sex, but I just wanted to disappear under my comforter and drift off to sleep. I was joking around, telling him that I'm always so tired, that this is the way it's going to be while the kids are little and he said, "I could get better." At least...that's what I heard. He insists he said, "It will get better." Long story short, we did not have sex.

Here's the thing ~ the story is a long one. We've had problems on and off for a while. I'm not really sure what the deal is. I want to try and explain to him why it seems like I'm always shooting down his attempts to 'have a little fun' but I don't even know myself.

I want to tell him that I feel so bad for all the excuses I've come up with over the years. I want to tell him that I appreciate how patient he's been. I want to tell him that it's not him, at least not in the way that he thinks. I love him, but I feel so ... so ... so ... I don't know. Gosh, I can't even find the words here. There's just so much water under the bridge that even on the good days it feels like I have to try so hard to feel connected.

Sometimes I feel jealous of my husband. He's got it so easy. He gets to wake up at his leisure, (usually) take a nice, quiet shower, get dressed and walk.out.the.door. I'm left at home taking care of 2 kids and feeling guilty for wanting to be anywhere else but here. I am resentful ~ that's the word. I've talked about this many times before. I feel like my entire life was turned upside down when my daughter was born. Hubby's on the other hand was only mildly disrupted.

I could go on and on about the disparity between our everyday lives, but I'm so over it. I need to accept that things will never be equal. I will never get to sit on the couch and watch TV while Big J begs daddy to play with her. I am, after all, the mom. I'm the one they want.

Still, how can I stop looking at my husband with such envy? How can I get back to a place where we laugh and joke, where I look at him with loving eyes instead of anger? Ugh, part of me doesn't want to have this conversation. We've had so many different versions anyway. Me and my woe-is-me mommy rant. We keep coming back to the same thing. Or I keep using the same excuse. Not sure which one. What is my problem? The attraction is still there. Most of the time. And when it's not is when we're fighting, which seems like every day. I guess it's just the desire. I'll be the first to admit I'm a lazy lover. I'd rather just put on my pj's and go to bed. I feel awful saying this, but there are times all I think about is how much sleep I'm losing. I obsess about it. I count the hours I'm not getting.

I thought writing this all out would help me sort through my feelings, but I'm so confused. Really I'm just babbling. Sorry to put you through this. Ugh! He'll be home any minute. Wish me luck!