4.13.2006

Allow me to explain …

I feel the need to elaborate on my other woman post. I kind of left you guys hanging after saying that hubby and I got into a fight and he went over N’s house.

Some of you have said that it sounds like there is something going on, but I believe in my heart that he’s not cheating. The friendship does bother me and we’ve had discussions about it several times. He’s agreed to steer clear and I’ve told him not to expect me to go on any double dates.

The trouble is, he’s friends with N’s hubby. Pretty good friends, and the hubby doesn’t know that N is a slutty ho. I don’t want to be the one to break up a marriage. Not to mention the fact that N and my hubby work together, so they have to interact.

So for now I feel like I need to grin and bear it. He knows how I feel about the situation and you can be damn sure that I’ll let him know if he’s being insensitive.

With that said, one of my mama friends made a comment suggesting that perhaps I should put off having a second child until I’ve resolved certain issues with my hubby. I’ve been thinking about this … A LOT.

I love my husband, I really do. I think I’ve just forgotten the reasons I fell in love with him. When we first got together, it was his sense of humor that stole my heart. He was silly and I love that. A guy who’s not afraid to laugh at himself? That’s priceless. He was also a bad boy. He stayed out all night, got in trouble and I found that exciting. I was always attracted to the tough guy type. The thing that clinched it was his patience with me and his willingness to work things out.

In the 10 years that we’ve been together, things have been rough. We’ve moved at least 6 times, I lost my job, we’ve been in debt since the day we got married, we went through a miscarriage, a birth, and the realization that being parents is soooo not what we expected.

It’s been a difficult transition, especially for me. I used to dream of raising my kids, staying home with them the way my mom stayed home with us. When I had J, it was nothing like I had dreamed. I was miserable at home. I was angry a lot. I resented hubby the minute J was born. It was almost automatic. I don’t think I even gave him a chance to mess up. I just assumed he would and was already pissed. I was left to do everything and I didn’t want to. I wanted my life back, my freedom. Plus, J was difficult. Between her feeding issues and her ‘spirited’ personality, I was always exhausted and strained emotionally.

The stress of it all took a toll on my marriage big time. Hubby and I fight a lot. Part of me still resents him for not giving me the help I need. And I'm not talking about, "hey honey, can you fold the clothes?" I'm talking about help that comes intuitively and unconditionally. I want hubby to want to take J to the park so I can catch up on some cleaning. I don't want it to feel like I'm asking a huge favor all the time.

The other part of me is mad at myself. How dare I feel unhappy? I have a beautiful, healthy little girl. How many moms can say that? What is wrong with me? What am I waiting for? When am I going to wake up and start living instead of wallowing in self-pity?

Life is hard, J is a toddler, marriage is a work in progress. These are all hard truths that I have to accept. They are not going to change, except that J will get older and challenge me in new and interesting ways. Suck it up and get on with my life already!!!

So thanks juliabohemian for making me think. It's something I've been avoiding for a long time.

22 comments:

Mama M said...

I am so sorry to hear you down like this. Marriage is a difficult job, and it really is work - no matter how happy either party is, it's always a work in progress, with ebbs and flows of highs and lows (sorry - didn't mean for that to rhyme). I think every woman can relate to you wanting hubby to do things intuitively and not have to ASK a man to do something that we women automatically just DO. Show me a man that has that capacity, and I'll walk around my city naked screaming "I was wrong! Men CAN think on their own and do things without women asking them to!" :-)

Think about what is important to you. What makes YOU happy? Talk with hubby at a time when nothing else can distract him. You are a great mommy, and a great wife. You should feel good about yourself and give yourself a break sometimes. Sending big (((HUGS)))!!!!

Kristen said...

Stacy ~

You're not alone in how you feel - particularly about staying home as a mother and not feeling satisfied - I'm reading Judith Warner's Perfect Madness right now - it's great and talks a lot about some of the stuff you've been talking about.

I was really resentful of my husband (and I still have some stored away). It was frustrating to have to see his life not change while I was seemingly surrendering everything... I was pissed and depressed MOST of the time.

Even though it's gotten better, I still get annoyed that I have to ASK for certain things, and barter for others. But, instruction is good and that's what I try to do to not go crazy!

HeatherJ said...

I missed the first post and got caught up with this second one. This must be a difficult thing to deal with. I realize that your hubby works with N but I he does not have to be best friends with her. The fact that they talk about sex, mostly her telling him about how much she wants to have sex and him listening is just wrong in itself. I mean if anything she could attempt to be friends with you but she only seems to be interested in your husband.

It seems even harder when you are having issues in your marriage. It is so hard to be a mama and sometimes I think dads just do not realize what it is like for us. One thing you may want to consider is going to a marriage counselor. I know quite a few couples who have great relationships and go on a regular basis to just work out any issues.

If your husband is anything like mine it is hard to get in to a discussion with him about our marriage, because he often thinks I am accusing him of something and will get very guarded.

I hope it works out for you guys. Marriage is totally a work in progress and it kids do not make it easier, you just have to work harder, and maybe he has to work a lot harder.

Cityslicker Mom said...

Even if they're not friends, if you're uncomfortable with their relationship, he should respect that, period. Marriage is hard work, and it takes both people to work at it. I hope it all goes well with you guys.

chelle said...

a lot of insightful stuff here. I think it is awesome for you to think about and admit all these things. You are brave and I so hope for you that you can repair your marriage. It sounds like you married your best friend, you just need to reconnect!

Juliabohemian said...

Thanks for acknowledging my comment. So many people blow me off because of my directness.
Also keep in mind that many of those feelings are caused by hormones and that it is perfectly natural to feel out of sorts during your post-partum. Over sensitivity is especially normal.

It's good that you are introspective and willing to examine what is going on. As long as you are moving forward with both eyes open, you will be okay.

something blue said...

Marriage is a lot of work and being a mom never ending job. It's no wonder that we struggle with our daily responsibilities.

I just try to find the good parts of each day. The moment that makes me smile and giggle. That's when I know that it's all worthwhile.

My husband and I fight a lot too. I think it goes hand in hand with passion. We just have to make sure that our lover quarrels are not in front of the kiddies.

I hope it gets easier for you (and us) as the children get older. Only time will tell.

Nicole said...

It sounds like you definitely have been thinking alot. I think having a little one is very difficult and does result in some conflicting feelings. That is nothing to feel guilty about. Saying that, I feel the same way as you. I thought staying home with my little ones was my dream. Then, I got it. I wasn't happy doing it. Some days are better than others, but I do get mad at my husband, too. And, as husbands go, I've got a really sensitive one who tries really hard. Of course, when feeling like we do, perfection is the only option, right?

Marriage is also a lot more work than I thought it should ever be. But, generally speaking, we've got a good one. We go in spurts with the fighting. We keep saying it'll get better when the kids leave. So, about 15 years to go, right?

Hang in there. If you're both working at it, you'll be fine. It's when someone gives up when there's real trouble.

rhonda said...

Marraige is so hard. We all just want everything coming up roses, like we see on tv. I want that too, but it is just not reality.

You love him, and you know it is worth working out. Hubz and I have had hard times too. Jealousy, him not helping out with the chores, just sitting watching tv. So I try to make light of it and sing "Why Can't I Be You" from the Cure right to him. Then he gets the message.

This was a very brave post. I am proud of you. I send you hugs from afar!

Christina said...

It's so true that marriage is a work in progress. You can't get complacent. I think a lot of people forget that.

My husband and I had problems right before we got married, and we went to a couples counselor to work things out. It was the best thing we could have done, and saved our relationship. If your husband would be willing, you might suggest counseling to help you reconnect.

Sandra said...

You know my hubby and I still go through our rough patches and that's all normal. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like he's not helping. But one thing I've learnt over the years is that he really does NOT think the way I do. What for me might be a "common sense" issue, is not for him.
There's times that I'm trying to fix dinner, do a load of laundry and I have the kids running around me fighting and screaming and getting in my way, and he is just sitting on the computer playing games. THAT gets me fuming, so I flat out ASK him to do something. If I don't he doesn't just ASSUME that I need help. I guess men don't think that way.
BUT it got to a point that I had to decide if it was worth it for me to keep being annoyed and resentful, or if I should just sit him down and tell him everything and how I felt, and work at making this marriage work.

I love my hubby to death, so I've learnt to take it all with a grain of salt. If he does something I don't like I TELL him, I don't let it fester because if I do, it will turn into something much much worse.
Hang in there, you're not alone in this. Marriage just sucks at times LOL
I'm sure you guys will work it out :)
God Bless :)

Izzy said...

You have a right to be happy. Yes, we all have to suck up some things in life but don't forget, you are the master of your own destiny. Don't just give up and accept it if you want more. Ask for it. Demand it. You deserve to be happy.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I think as new Moms its easy to push our husbands away in the beginning without even knowing it. By realizing that you did that, and expecting more of him now, I think you're on the right path to fixing past mistakes. Have a talk, split up some responsibilities, and make it clear what each of you expects from the other.

And don't sweat the bimbo unless you absolutely know its necessary!

~d said...

I am going to hope that you writing it down...( blogging it ) see the words, putting them together in your head-realizing WHAT you were thinking and feeling-I am going to hope that it was cathartic, and that you feel a little better already. My biggest 'thing' abt the children and the hisband is that I feel I have lost my identity. I don't know who ~d IS...
Deep breath, and have a good day.

Nancy said...

Marriage is hard work. Having a baby who turns into a child is hard work. Both together -- definitely difficult. It's sad sometimes how TV and movies glamorize marriage and parenthood when it's really so much of a struggle.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things: leaving the lines of communication open with your hubby, thinking about your feelings and trying to address them, etc. That's a lot of good stuff in and of itself!

Hang in there, and know you've got all of us here if you need anything.

Carrcakes said...

It sounds like you and your husband would benefit from a weekend away. We were forced into an extended vacation in Chicago from the great Nor'easter in February and it was a blessing in digsuise. We were able to reconnect as husband and wife instead of daddy and mommy. I hope you guys can work through stuff so you can both be happy.

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

SUEB0B said...

I love Mama M's comment. I don't know why men don't get it, but they certainly don't.

Pattie said...

Wow, what an honest post. Well written and very brave to talk so openly about something so personal. With that being said, I'm not sure if you are looking for advice or just to vent...if it's advice I can suggest the book "The Four Agreements" It talks about choosing to live life a certain way by asking for what you need and not making assumptions of others in your life. I read this after going through a serious problem with my husband, and it helped me tremendously. If it's to vent, then I hear you. My husband and I have also had a few problems after we had children. Each child we had brought about another adjustment. It is not easy. You are not alone in this...we all have our issues, believe me.