I feel the need to elaborate on my other woman post. I kind of left you guys hanging after saying that hubby and I got into a fight and he went over N’s house.
Some of you have said that it sounds like there is something going on, but I believe in my heart that he’s not cheating. The friendship does bother me and we’ve had discussions about it several times. He’s agreed to steer clear and I’ve told him not to expect me to go on any double dates.
The trouble is, he’s friends with N’s hubby. Pretty good friends, and the hubby doesn’t know that N is a slutty ho. I don’t want to be the one to break up a marriage. Not to mention the fact that N and my hubby work together, so they have to interact.
So for now I feel like I need to grin and bear it. He knows how I feel about the situation and you can be damn sure that I’ll let him know if he’s being insensitive.
With that said, one of my mama friends made a comment suggesting that perhaps I should put off having a second child until I’ve resolved certain issues with my hubby. I’ve been thinking about this … A LOT.
I love my husband, I really do. I think I’ve just forgotten the reasons I fell in love with him. When we first got together, it was his sense of humor that stole my heart. He was silly and I love that. A guy who’s not afraid to laugh at himself? That’s priceless. He was also a bad boy. He stayed out all night, got in trouble and I found that exciting. I was always attracted to the tough guy type. The thing that clinched it was his patience with me and his willingness to work things out.
In the 10 years that we’ve been together, things have been rough. We’ve moved at least 6 times, I lost my job, we’ve been in debt since the day we got married, we went through a miscarriage, a birth, and the realization that being parents is soooo not what we expected.
It’s been a difficult transition, especially for me. I used to dream of raising my kids, staying home with them the way my mom stayed home with us. When I had J, it was nothing like I had dreamed. I was miserable at home. I was angry a lot. I resented hubby the minute J was born. It was almost automatic. I don’t think I even gave him a chance to mess up. I just assumed he would and was already pissed. I was left to do everything and I didn’t want to. I wanted my life back, my freedom. Plus, J was difficult. Between her feeding issues and her ‘spirited’ personality, I was always exhausted and strained emotionally.
The stress of it all took a toll on my marriage big time. Hubby and I fight a lot. Part of me still resents him for not giving me the help I need. And I'm not talking about, "hey honey, can you fold the clothes?" I'm talking about help that comes intuitively and unconditionally. I want hubby to want to take J to the park so I can catch up on some cleaning. I don't want it to feel like I'm asking a huge favor all the time.
The other part of me is mad at myself. How dare I feel unhappy? I have a beautiful, healthy little girl. How many moms can say that? What is wrong with me? What am I waiting for? When am I going to wake up and start living instead of wallowing in self-pity?
Life is hard, J is a toddler, marriage is a work in progress. These are all hard truths that I have to accept. They are not going to change, except that J will get older and challenge me in new and interesting ways. Suck it up and get on with my life already!!!
So thanks juliabohemian for making me think. It's something I've been avoiding for a long time.