I've been waiting and waiting for it. I knew eventually I'd say something that would piss people off. Leave it to Kelly Ripa to put me in the dog house.
In this post, I called Mrs. Morning Sunshine a moron because she was quoted as saying the first year of marriage is the hardest and everything after that is fine. Perhaps moron was too harsh. Perhaps I should have prefaced everything I wrote with, "In my opinion," or "In my experience." But you know what, this is my blog and I'll say what I want.
Anonymous (because who would actually give their name when disagreeing with a total stranger) had this to say about my post.
Kelly Rippa is an morton because she implied that marriage is hardest in the first year and gets better afterwards? That's a moronic thing to say not to consider deeper into what she said.
I've been married 9 1/2 years and have a toddler. My marriage was hardest in the first year because 1) my husband and I didn't quite know how to handle each other's moods 2) it was the first time we lived together so there are a lot of adjustments 3) he just graduated from college and I was still in school 3) financial hardship since we now have each others debts 4) financial reconstruction: we had to reorganize, prioritize and put into action a lot of plans 5) we didn't have a house yet so we had to make do with a small apartment 6) we had to move across state so that was stressful 7) when we argued, my husband had to deal with how I deal with things and I had to deal with his 8) a lot of words hurt since we haven't quite forged a trust that each of us mean well 9) there was a lot of trial and error when it comes to resolving problems 10) just basic stress in putting 2 different people in 1 place, life, home.
My husband and I chose to seek marriage counseling during the first year but that was it. After that things were much better. Year after year, I have us asses the past and we always came to the same conclusion... every year is better than before. After being married 8 years, we finally decided to have a child and though things became different, I can still say that our marriage still keeps getting better and better year to year.
Divorce rate is 50% and it's highest during the first year, and it decreases year after year until finally the rate becomes it's lowest after 5 years of marriage.
For a marriage to get harder as years go by, well you're heading in the wrong direction. Instead of calling such a statement from Mrs. Rippa moronic, I suggest taking notes.
Once you get past the awful spelling and grammatical mistakes, I think Anonymous might have a point. I'd like to think of myself as a fair person so instead of writing her off, I'd like to take her opinion into consideration.
Marriage probably should get better year after year, you're right. I never said mine was getting worse though. I said we have good days and bad weeks, just like any other marriage.
Let's explore your marriage a little further shall we? You listed a buttload of issues your hubby and you struggled with in the first year. Am I to assume that EVERY SINGLE ONE of those issues has been resolved all neat and tidy in 365 days? Also, with children comes change. Just as you had to adjust to getting to know your new life partner, you had to adjust to a new baby who needed you 24/7. You can't tell me that doesn't put some strain on a marriage.
If your husband is the kind of guy who pitched in and pulled his weight, kudos to you. I didn't have that experience. I still love my husband but I don't always like him very much. To imply that making it past the first year of marriage guarantees some sort of trouble free pass is a crock of shit.
Every relationship has their ups and downs. You do your best to work through the rough patches and hopefully come out on top. My hubby and I have been on a bumpy road but it definitely doesn't get worse every year. If it did, I'd be out the door already. At the very least we learn more about each other as time goes by. I know marriage is hard work and I've never been one to just give up.
I don't need to take notes from Kelly Ripa. I am learning as I go. I'll fight the good fight for the sake of my daughter and the family we've created. I'll keep on soul searching until I find what's missing in me, what I need to feel fulfilled. I appreciate your comments but let's just agree to disagree. Mmmmkay!
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18 comments:
Ah, I remember my first piece of hate mail. Surprisingly it was my only one so far and now that I said that I'm sure to get tons more.
I don't agree w/what Kelly said either...sure it can be true in her case but I would never make that statement as a general rule of thumb. Problems for us didn't start until after we had a baby. Sure we weren't married for a year before I got pregnant but we were together for 5, already lived together for 4.5...nothing changed after marriage. It was the kid thing that did it for us so it makes sense that some marriages do get harder over the years. Issues come up all the time, I think there is no "easy from here on out" point in any marriage. They will always require hard work. It doesn't mean that people are miserable or should give up but I'd never said "oh yeah it's easy once we got past xyz b/c there can be a whole new set of abc's around the corner.
here's another...
I hate hate mail!
Does that count? No? LOL
I have to admit that after 12 years of marriage it really feels like we've been hitched all of three years...
I could be because life is so much fun or it could be because I keep making the same mistakes...The jury is still out
Wow, your hate-mailer sure has a lot of time on her hands. That's the longest piece of hate mail I've ever seen! I'm impressed.
Honestly...I am not one for hate mail. Really if I read a blog post that I don't agree with or find offensive more times than not I just click off and go to the next blog that catches my interest.
I don't see much being gained from leaving hate mail especially anonyomously. Don't get me wrong. I can certainly give my opinion or my experiences if I have any on the subject in question. And I hope I did that in my comments to your original post.
Well here's tipping my drink to you for your first hate mailer. Are you looking for more to add to the pile? LOL!
I haven't personally met anyone who told me their marriage got easier after they had kids. But hey. There's a first time for everything . . .
Don't you feel like you know way too much about this hater?
Looks like you've made it ... hate mail ... you are a regular celebrity.
Could the morale of this story be no one should take marriage advice from Kelly Rippa or a person that spends this much time and energy on hate mail???
It's your blog and you can say what want - or so I thought... Wow, that hate mailer really had her knickers in a twist, huh??
I just found your blog and I am enjoying it very much. I'll be back!!
LBC
Hey that just means you are out there "stirring things up." :) This is your blog so you can feel free to write about whatever you please. I think "Anonymous" should have left her name. That seems cowardly, IMO. The hubby and I have been together 9 1/2 years. Our first year of marriage definitely was not the "hardest." Things did not start getting very stressful for us until we got pregnant with our second daughter a month after he opened his own business. Talk about STRESS. He wasn't really "ready" to have another baby and financially it was the WORSE possible time. Things are better now. I try to be more attentive to his needs as he often felt shut out after the kids. But he is usually a great dad and helps out a lot. Things are not perfect, but they are getting easier now that we are out of the babymaking/pregnancy zone.
Hmmm...Ms. Anon has a few points. HOWEVER...I feel that the big conflicts occur latter in a marriage, like once the children arrive. Big conflicts arise from differing parenting beliefs and techniques. Also, with children, comes the issue of financial strain and less freedom...both of which can severely strain even a good marriage.
I'd have to say that marriage is never easy...actually if I had to judge the ease of the first year, I'd say that the first year is the easiest since it's just you and the spouse. At least then you don't have extra people to factor in.
Just my opinion.
I simply can't agree with your anonymous hate mail person. A lot of the things she had trouble with her first year - finances, moods, arguments, trust - those were things my husband I got through before we married! Hell, if I didn't know what to expect from his moods, and how our finances would be handled, I would never have married him to begin with. Did she not know her husband before she married him?
I don't think there is a single progression of good to bad or bad to good. Marriage involves several periods of good and bad. Research shows that marriages, on average, go through harder periods following the birth of a child. If she's not having that problem, then good for her, but it is reality for many couples.
Honestly, looking back, we had a few disagreements and such our first year of marriage, but it was nowhere close to our hardest year. We had nothing to worry about - no mortgage and no kids!
Ok, dammit, this is getting ridiculous. Why is it everyone is getting hate mail but me?!
*whimper*
I don't know if I would call that hate mail, exactly - it's not as blatantly vicious as some I've seen, and there seems to be some attempt to share her own experiences.
That said, it's too bad she couldn't download a "sensitivity checker" (but since she obviously doesn't know how to use spell check or grammar check, I doubt it would help).
It's funny how "anon" knows so much about Kelly but can't even spell her name right! ;-)
I think every marriage is different, and probably the most common trend will be more spiky or up-and-down hills throughout (normal interspersed by periods of better/worse) rather than a steady decline or incline. But certainly everyone has their own experience.
Yowza. She left all that in a message to you??
Well, receiving your first piece of hate mail must be a sure sign you've arrived at the big leagues!
I think that was a very nice response to a very judgemental and rude (i.e., especially that last line) e-mail. Good for you for responding with class!
Oh, and I've never gotten hate mail before. What's wrong with ME?? LOL
When we were engaged, everyone and their mother -- especially my mother -- told us the first year of marriage was the hardest. All the naysayers had us convinced we would hate each other and deeply regret our biggest life decision so far. In the end, we were pleasantly surprised.
The first year of parenthood (two months into it), that's another story.
I have been married for almost 8 years and it's difficult to compare when or which year is easier or harder on our marriage. I would say there are ups & downs along the way and it's a long journey of discoveries. I am just proud that we have made it so far :)
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