I was just reading in US Weekly that Kelly Ripa and her delicious husband Mark Consuelos have been married for 10 years. When asked their secret to success she mumbled something like, "If you can get past the first year, everything is fine after that."This woman is a moron. She is lying to her fans. And she's got three kids. You're going to seriously tell me that the first year is the hardest even after throwing fame and children into the mix? Fuck that!
I wish I could rewind to the firt year hubby and I were married. No baby, no money problems, no resentment. I actually enjoyed being around him. I looked forward to seeing him and talking about the future.
In September we'll be married five years, but we've been together for more than 10. It's been a long and sometimes bumpy road and we're trying our hardest to stay the course. I know that both of us have thought about leaving. We've even talked about it but we're not willing to give up. There's more to consider than just the two of us.
I don't know how some women do it. Maybe it's because Mrs. Ripa and her lovely husband barely see each other that she can smile and say after 10 years of marriage that she doesn't want to kill him every now and then. Okay, more than now and then. Like every minute he opens his mouth.
A lot of the troubles in my marriage started after J was born. I feel awful saying that, but it's the truth. I was not prepared for what it was going to do to my mind, my body and my spirit. Hubby changed too. Or maybe he didn't and that's the problem.
So like any other married couple we have good days and bad weeks. At least that's what I've been reading all around the blogosphere. It's nice to know I'm not alone and that other moms out there struggle to make it day to day. Like Kristen, who so perfectly put into words the way I feel about my marriage ... still ... after all these years.
"It doesn't help that "other halves" (particularly of the male species) automatically assume that if you choose to stay home, your feelings and needs are no longer important. Because your existence is for the kid. So, if he wants to go out all day and all night, or leave the house to "grab some take out" and comes back 2 hours later after a stop off at the bar or play Beer Pong for 6 hours and then sleep in because *wah* he's tired, that's just how it is. It's my job. I'm one with house. Automatically available for childcare and meals. Like a fucking diner with day care.
I'm tired of being lonely and alone, and feeling like an idiot who is worthy of nothing but managing the daily existence of a 2-year-old. Don't get me wrong. It's an honorable job - more so than anything I ever had or will ever have. However, people don't get that. For the most part, my husband doesn't get that. And I'm bitter about this perception of motherhood."
And this post over at HBM's Basement that captures the resentment I feel towards hubby post-baby.
The hard part is finding a way to work through it all. Is all of this really my fault? Did I change so much that it's impossible to live with me or make me happy? Am I being selfish? I don't think so but maybe, just maybe, my husband isn't totally to blame. Maybe I should start owning up to my part in this marriage and get some control over my emotions. Take control of my life so that instead of this I can feel like this.
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31 comments:
I think it helps both of them to have a nanny.
But really, I know that I'd be doing just as much if I was working outside the home - but I'd probably have more fuel for my fire since then he couldn't give me some crap about how he's been working for 12 hours --- wah...
A lot changed for us too after kids - and I imagine we are not alone. Kids = responsibility and change. Apparently for some folks, that is not in their vocab.
I agree, the majority of the arguing and stress started after Leah was born for us, too. There's a list that some psychiatrist compiled of the top most stressful events in a person's life and having a baby is way up there. Kelly Ripa is high on her Tide To Go Pen.
I have been thinking that the longer I stay at home with our kids the further apart my husband and I become in so many ways. I think after you have stopped working at fast paced office you start to have time to reflect on your life. Slow down. And your pace is different from your husbands. Frantic, yes. But focused fully on family. While his is still split between familiy and work. I'm not articulating this well but just glad some other mommies are being honest about it all.
Kelly Ripa IS an idiot. No question there.
I think as women and mothers, many of us automatically fall into the responsibilities of caring for our children. After all, we cared for them while we were pregnant, so we already had a head start. Once the baby is born, we are still the primary caregivers, if only because we supply the food.
I think many men get lazy with childcare. They aren't "needed" as much at the beginning, and so they assume life will stay the same for them and go on their merry way like always.
Part of the fault lies with them for not stepping up and doing their share. But part of the fault sometimes is with us, when we don't let them know our feelings on the matter. Many men (not all!) are more selfish than women and don't like to give up their favorite things. I think we need to demand that we get our needs met as well. And hopefully we have husbands who believe we should be equals.
I wish I had some sage words for you or that I had some magic bullet that would transform life into what we expect it to be.
In all honesty I believe that life is what we make it good or bad. I know that in my marriage I am my own worst enemy. I am no prize to live with and I can be a royal bitch alot of the time. I'm not saying that hubby is perfection incarate cause he's certainly not. He's got his own set of faults and there are times when the combination of his and mine are just too much for the both of us to handle and it's combustible to say the least.
I have found though that for me if I do my best to step back and attempt to talk rather than scream (which is normally my first response to anything that angers me) I can normally make a bad situation better.
Hubby has been in charge of the kids on many occasions and he has openly admitted he has no clue how I do it all (working part time and being a mom full time). It's nice to hear that from him and I try to remember that when I'm aggrivated at him for not doing something as simple as putting his dishes in the dishwasher.
Right or wrong I don't believe men are wired like women are. And perhaps through the ages it's the women who are to blame for it. Just think if you as a mother of boy teaches him the things you wish your husband would now do perhaps you might be saving your future daughter in law some grief we are now going through.
Just a thought.
I'm sure if we all had a nanny and was able to get away from each other as much as Kelly Ripa & her hubs do as well as all the money they have then sure marriage & life would be a whole lot easier. I do agree with her on one thing. If you can make it past the first year everything will be ok. It won't always be fine or perfect but my first year of marriage was a nightmare.
My marriage is much better now after kids. But marriage is hard work. Men are just not like women and we have to accept that and we can't make them be like us. If we try and do that I think we will be miserable. I'm not saying we should accept everything but we do have to come to some kind of compromise with each other. I know there are things about me that drive my husband crazy but he accepts them and he understands what it's like for me to be at home with 2 kids all day and I'm glad he understands that. I think a part of it has to do with what the husband's moms role was while he was growing up.
Ok, I've rambled enough here...
I hear you loud and clear on this one. The first year of our marriage was great. It wasn't until kids and challenges and reality hit that we realized it was damn hard work and that we didn't always like each other and that I'd love to run the other way most days. But even though I don't always like him. I love him. And as you say, it is more than about just the two of us now.
Kelly Ripa is a total idiot!!! Sometimes she makes me miss Kathy lee gifford UGH!!
As for the marraige part...we have all been there and have had the same feelings, both good and bad. It gets different after the years go on. I wouldn't say easier, it's still lots of work, and there is just a host of different issues that you deal with.
I can only imagine the trouble that kelley ripa has....bitch!! whatever!
Don't you know we are all married to the sames man, just in different bodies.
AMEN!!
I am a SAHM too. My hubby and I have been married for 11 years. Last year we became parents suddenly to two of our nieces, who are now 3 and 1. Talk about changes! And there was no 9 months to prepare ahead of time.
I know just how you feel!
I agree it is way harder now. We haven't been on a "date" in over a year. If we were to go and be alone, I am not sure what we would even talk about anymore, other than the kids. It is harder to relate to each other now as people instead of parents.
After I had my twins, it was a hard time for me, it was very stressful.
I think it is very common.
I think it's so hard to cope with the resentment when one partner isn't pulling his weight. In my first marriage, there was simply no way to get my ex to contribute to any of the tasks involved with the upkeep of the home. Nothing I did had any affect on his behaviour - either I did it myself or it didn't get done. And doing everything myself is bad, but what do I do with the anger, with the unfairness?
Venting on your blog is probably a good start. ;) And I have so much respect for your willingness to keep at it, and the recognition that there are other people involved now.
I love Kelly Ripa but she always says weird things about her marriage....always!
Having kids definitely changed my relationship with my husband. It's inevitable. I think the key to making it work is for both partners to SHARE the burden of child-rearing. Easier said that done, though, I know. And there's only so much you can do to help your husband be a better partner in that area. HE has to understand his role. But I do believe that people can change. And I applaud you for trying to make this work. I know you can do it and I hope we bloggers can help you along the way, in any form you need it.
Ever since having the baby I've felt sooo taken advantage of. I do EVERYTHING! I feed her, I change her, I take her to her appts, I do everything, and he does nothing, he doesn't even think about anything cuz he knows that I'll just do it! If I don't fix dinner, we don't have any. I get very frustrated and have also threatened to leave. But...I feel so strongly against people getting divorced just because "we don't get along anymore" that I would never really leave. I did tell him that I thought I was starting to get depressed, because I just wanted to sleep costantly, and I told him I felt like I do everything and have no one to talk to (sine he's a pastor, I can't go blabbin' our business)and I'm sad all the time and it's his fault. He told me that he will start helping me, and spending more time with me...so, we'll see! so, no, you're not alone in this. I guess I could have just emailed you instead of hangin' out all my dirty laundry...oh well.
Oh I know exactly how you (and every other mother) feels. I always have to ask The Hubby to watch the kiddo so I can do something, but it's just assumed I'll stay with her while he goes out. Yeah, I love being a SAHM, but the man could sure use a wake up call. I threaten him all the time that I'm going to work and he's going to stay home with the baby!
I agree with the other commenters Kelly is an idiot. Really do not think we as mothers should be looking to celebrities for examples on marriage, children or anything else family.
I am closer to my husband since having our daughter, however we have had issues about my value since I have been a stay at home mom. We need to keep fighting the good fight I guess! It is hard at times.
You've heard a host of good advice already, and I agree with most of it too! Marriage is work, and that 1st year was a breeze compared with what awaits 10 years down the line. Not worse, just different. Somebody once said that marriage is like the tide with the ebb and flow of good and not so good, you deal with it, adapt and stay the course if the love is still good!
You're right about Kelly. And you've given great advice too. Marriage takes work - constant work. You know there are going to be awful days... you chalk it up to experience, and move on.
I look at marriage as this weird little creature that lives with me... like my kids it needs constant attention and sometimes, it sucks the life right out of me.
Great post... your honesty obviously resonated with a lot of people!
Kelly Rippa is an morton because she implied that marriage is hardest in the first year and gets better afterwards? That's a moronic thing to say not to consider deeper into what she said.
I've been married 9 1/2 years and have a toddler. My marriage was hardest in the first year because 1) my husband and I didn't quite know how to handle each other's moods 2) it was the first time we lived together so there are a lot of adjustments 3) he just graduated from college and I was still in school 3) financial hardship since we now have each others debts 4) financial reconstruction: we had to reorganize, prioritize and put into action a lot of plans 5) we didn't have a house yet so we had to make do with a small apartment 6) we had to move across state so that was stressful 7) when we argued, my husband had to deal with how I deal with things and I had to deal with his 8) a lot of words hurt since we haven't quite forged a trust that each of us mean well 9) there was a lot of trial and error when it comes to resolving problems 10) just basic stress in putting 2 different people in 1 place, life, home.
My husband and I chose to seek marriage counseling during the first year but that was it. After that things were much better. Year after year, I have us asses the past and we always came to the same conclusion... every year is better than before. After being married 8 years, we finally decided to have a child and though things became different, I can still say that our marriage still keeps getting better and better year to year.
Divorce rate is 50% and it's highest during the first year, and it decreases year after year until finally the rate becomes it's lowest after 5 years of marriage.
For a marriage to get harder as years go by, well you're heading in the wrong direction. Instead of calling such a statement from Mrs. Rippa moronic, I suggest taking notes.
Not only is KR lying to her fans, she's way too skinny and WAYYY too orange.
Ripa is a big fat - sorry, little skinny - liar. Marriage is hard work. Always, always, always. Even the best marriages take work, and they all have their rocky periods. And every marriage, I think, has a rocky period after a new baby. *That's* the truth. Anything else is a lie.
I worship Kelly Ripa. We have a long distance relationship. The fact that she is happily married with three kids hasn't stopped our love affiar. Her photo shoot for The Hamptons magazine is delicious.
I would assume most of you haven't lost your baby fat and therefore are jealous of Kelly Ripa. Which would also play into the fat that your husband isn't attracted to you anymore.
Don't assume that everyone is as miserable as you or that she is lying because she is happy. I have been married for 15 years and have 3 children and have grown deeper in love every year. It is what you make of it. Try looking at yourself and see your own faults. If you're bored or lonely...do something! Get involved. I am so busy, I barely have time to be bored and when I get a moment, I look forward to being with my husband.
Finally, whether its truth or lies, it is T.V. give her a break. I don't like how she flaunts her money and 2 homes and then at times teases Regis that he has so much money as though she's broke, but it doesn't make her a B****. It is what it is. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
Kelly Ripa isn't a typical wife and mother (for better or worse) - but she is entitled to her opinions just as you are.
As for those of you who didn't take a few moments BEFORE having children to research the realities of having kids have no one to blame but yourselves for buying into the "mommy myth". Deal with it.
And although none of you will ever believe this - you husband likely DOES understand you're tired, overwhelmed and does appreciate you. He does however - get tired of the endless nagging, anger, mood swings and excuses of why the house is dirty and you're fat and will stay that way. If your husband doesn't think he can make you happy he WILL stop trying.
Make your hubby happy and let him know he's your rock, if you take care of him and make the effort to put him first...if he's any kind of man he'll step up and take care of you.
- Proud Penis Owner
Let the flaming begin...
For all that are ripping on Kelly Ripa... You all wish you could look and be like her. You all are so jealous its killing you!!!!!!! She's a beautiful woman and I respect her for getting out there and working, raising her kids, and taking a huge risk by putting herself and family out in the public eye. She is just trying to work, live, and raise her kids like the rest of us. Give her a BREAK!!!!
ATTENTION: Proud Penis Owner!!!
Get THERAPY!!! You desparately NEED it!!!! I hope your wife is reading this and encourages you to do so! GOOD lUCK and give your nagging wife my blessings!! I feel for her!
Everyone has faults. Kelly seems to be a nice person and never puts down anyone either. She is gracious and you are definitely jealous of her. Who wouldn't want to be married to Mark Consuelos..hot hot hot!! And do you make 8 million a year? She never said she had a nanny for her kids either.
But, the show won't be the same w/o Regis. If they do get a replacement for him, I hope it's Martin Short. If not, cancel the show, it will be boring with Kelly and her "living in the material/celebrity world".
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