5.02.2006

You and I Collide

Have you heard this song? Hubby came to me a couple days ago and said it describes us perfectly.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

He's right. We're at opposite ends of the world. Somehow I've got to bridge the gap or our marriage will crumble.

But I don't know how to do that. There's so much hurt and resentment. With each fight it's getting harder and harder to forgive. It takes longer to come back together.

We haven't talked about this last arguement yet. I'm just not up for the battle. I know how it's going to go. He'll say that he did nothing wrong, that I should have asked him for help. He's a master at twisting things around.

I'm willing to admit that I should have been more verbal about needing a break, but I did drop clues. Plus, he made it very clear that I wasn't a priority that day. On any other day, he would have been there, but that day was the NFL draft AND a Devils playoff game. Plus, he just had to help his neice try and beat this new copmuter game.

Maybe that's where the anger really comes from. That I wasn't a thought at all. That there were more important things to deal with than me. This is where it gets tricky. If I tell him that, he'll brush it off and turn the tables on me.

So the conversation needs to take place, I'm just planning my defense. What can I say that will get through to him? That won't get twisted around and end up with me apologizing. It's going to be difficult because I've already waited to long. I've left room for doubt to set in, for the details to get cloudy. After a few minutes we won't remember what we're fighting about and the conversation will turn into a blame game.

22 comments:

Pattie said...

You need to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. If you do and if he does, mediation with a counselor might be helpful.
When someone turns things around and twists the truth, they often are not about listening or solving the problem, but more interested in being RIGHT or WINNING the argument.

rhonda said...

Hugs hugs hugs. Counseling sounds like a good idea. I will be sending good vibes your way :)

Hubz and I had some trouble down the road too, luckily it was before we had kiddos. Almost divorced TWICE. He had some wicked depression, got on meds, and he is a new man. We haven't had a fight since. Maybe your Hubz has a touch of that?

Thinking of ya.

rhonda said...

Hugs hugs hugs. Counseling sounds like a good idea. I will be sending good vibes your way :)

Hubz and I had some trouble down the road too, luckily it was before we had kiddos. Almost divorced TWICE. He had some wicked depression, got on meds, and he is a new man. We haven't had a fight since. Maybe your Hubz has a touch of that?

Thinking of ya.

Lisa said...

My heart breaks for you cause I have been where you are in my first marriage. Luckily there were no children from that union so it made dissolving it much simpler even though it didn't hurt any less. In that marriage I wasn't a priority either more like an after thought. And sadly I couldn't see that until it all fell apart. I spent alot of my time trying to fit into the mold of the person I thought I was supposed to be for him. And in the end even that didn't matter because he cheated on me anyhow. (Not that I'm saying that's how your situation will go) I'm just saying that I can feel for you and understand where you are coming from.
I agree with the pp in saying that counseling is your next step for you even if you can't get your husband to agree to go perhaps you need to go for yourself to find a way to deal with it all. I truly believe that it takes 2 people to make or break a marriage and one person is never solely to blame for a marriage's ruination. However it did take me a great long time to see the part I played in the downfall of my first marriage.

Happily I can say that my second marriage is a better fit but not without its own problems but I have grown alot and so has by second hubby and we are working on 10 years of marriage this year and for the most part we are happy.

Good luck with everything

Motherhooduncensored said...

I agree. I think perhaps you definitely need to get a day to yourself at least once a week, and if he can't do it, get someone else.

After going away for the weekend, I feel great and ready to go back to "mothering" again.

With that said, I still don't think he should get off that easy (this is just me). You have got to advocate for your needs, girl. No one else can do that for you with him.

Power!

sunshine scribe said...

I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

I am with Motherhood Uncensored. Having some time to make your self a priority and finding a way to have him "hear" you and your needs will be important.

Counselling is a good option but not for everyone. My hubby and I went through some awful stuff and he refused counselling. Time and standing my ground turned things around. Marriage is hard work.

Sending lots of love and good wishes your way.

Sandra said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hubby and I have been married for 8 years and the first 2 was just horrible. We fought constantly, I felt that I was never a priority, I felt that his computer games came before me and nothing I ever said was right. It's sad when you feel like you're walking on egg shells around your own husband for fear that he will get mad.

For me what worked is that I sat down with him one day and YES, we had tried that before but to no avail. It was always my fault, I didn't tell him, I didn't ask, I pissed him off and that's why he did what he did, I nagged too much blah blah blah.
But anyway, I sat down with him and told him how I was feeling and when he tried to dismiss those feelings I specifically told him that as ludicrous or ridiculous they may seem to him, THAT was how I felt. We both got everything out, not holding back, some stuff really hurt to hear, but in the end we decided that we wanted to make the marriage work and we loved each other, we just needed to learn to talk and express instead of holding it all in until you blow.

I think the first step is finding out if you are both committed to the marriage, and then take it from there. No more pointing fingers, no more belittling or assuming the other knows how you feel. That was a BIG issue with me. I just assumed that he knew I needed help, or assumed that he knew I needed a hug or whatever, it doesn't work that way.

Sorry this post is so long.....I'm keeping you guys in my prayers and I hope you come to a point of understanding soon :)
Hugs,
Sandra

Denise said...

I can soooo relate to your situation. So much that I actually hurt for you. There's no easy way to deal with a person like your husband...my husband is the same way all too often. I hate the way he twists everything around to make me look like the bad guy. Even when he truly IS in the wrong...he won't accept it. He always says "Prove me wrong and I'll admit to it." Uh huh...sure. People like him have made themselves believe that they are right...no matter what.

I can't even think of anything supportive to say to you right now...my head is spinning. It's a frustrating situation. All I can offer is an understanding cyber-ear. I'll be thinking of you. Good luck.

Nancy said...

It does seem like you are taking the lion's share of the responsibility for the way things are going in your relationship, which is a shame. Even your language in describing it: "Somehow I've got to bridge the gap or our marriage will crumble." My dear, it seems like you HAVE been bridging the gap -- above and beyond that. He needs to meet you halfway, to be honest, and to stop playing the blame game.

I hope counseling is an option for you two. It sounds like you could benefit from an objective mediator. Good luck, and I'm here if there's anything I can do.

Meg said...

I'm glad you've realized that you two need to talk, but I know it's easier said than done.

I am a master at resentment and holding it in, then everything finally explodes. My husband finally convinced me to talk to him at the time it's happening instead of letting it build. Although he doesn't always see my way, he's much happier that I'm talking to him about it at the time instead of exploding later.

I wish I could help you. Good luck and I'm here if you need someone to bitch to about the whole thing!

Juliabohemian said...

Not knowing the specifics I can't tell you exactly what to say. But, I can tell you to stick to the topic at hand. Don't throw insults at each other. Use I statements not YOU statements.

"I feel that when you are spending all of this time playing video games that you are trying to tell me that I am not important.
(as oppose to)
"You don't care about me anymore. All you ever do is play video games!"

Christina said...

It's not you who needs to find a way to bridge the gap - you BOTH need to find a way to bridge the gap. He's just as responsible for doing that as you are. You shouldn't be the one shouldering all of the responsibility. And you both need to want the marriage to work for it to work.

How to get through to him? Maybe circle the names of some marriage counselors in the phone book and ask him to pick one?

Seriously, if he does twist words around to make things your fault, you need counseling. A good counselor will let you each talk about the problems, and call someone on it when they try to twist words.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I agree with the other ladies - Some time to yourself and a good counselor should help. However, if he's not willing to do either of those things for you, for your marriage, then you need to call a relative to sit with your daughter (don't explain why your husband can't do it, some explanations are not necessary) and take a few days to do some serious soul searching.

I'll be thinking of you!

ninepounddictator said...

Oy. This post gave me the shivers.

I feel for you...

I cant really offer any advice, because I don't know you very well, or your history with your husband.

the only thing i know is that you can only be happy with another person, when you are happy with yourself...

You have to get happy first, ok?

Oh, and don't make any big decisions during times of, I don't know, while fighting or being super depressed.

chelle said...

It makes me so sad to read your posts, partly for you and your husband and partly for mine & me. Even the best couples have rough spots. I really think counselling would be a good idea. To have someone to help both of you to see each others point of view, therefore becoming in sync again.

It takes a lot of work and energy to get things back on track. I have had to let a lot of things go (as my husband has too) just to make our way back to each other.

Plus we are apart right now (I am at my Dad's with our daughter), the absence has actually made us communicate better. I am not advocating a "separation" rather a vacation from each other.

Good luck! I hope you guys can make it back together!

Nicole said...

I don't know where I've been and I missed those other posts. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Who would have thought that marriage would be this hard? But, I totally understand what you are going through.

I think what it comes down to is that a husband just doesn't get it, especially if his mom did everything for him when he was growing up. I spent a lot of time resenting my husband for not "getting it." But, I felt like that was a waste of time and energy and it still wasn't getting me what I wanted. So, I talked and talked and talked about it. We're still working on it, but it is getting better. It's just that I've learned I have to ask for the obvious sometimes. And, sometimes I nip it all in the bud by telling him beforehand what I expect of him at say a family party or a weekend day off. I'm lucky in that my husband is receptive.

Now I'm going to sound like a psychologist. When you've calmed down and there's a good time when you're both not in bad moods, sit down and tell him you want to talk. And, here's the advice -- use "I" statements. For example, "I feel _____ when you ____." It sounds corny, but it does help things from getting more heated. People seem to be less defensive (usually) when things are phrased that way.

Also, I like someone else's advice that winning the fight shouldn't be the goal (although I have a lot of trouble following that advice).

Good luck! I know it makes everything else harder when you're not getting along with your significant other.

Kristen said...

I hate fighting. And I do the same thing- torture myself with what I'm going to say, regret what I end up saying, walk around wishing I could just blink and everything would be POOOOF. All better. Sometimes it is- sometimes I want to kick him.

Mama M said...

Stay strong. You can do get through this, no matter how things turn out. I hope you find happiness and peace within your relationship. (((HUGS)))!!

HolyMama! said...

here's an idea, and it's just that. an idea you can totally delete - literally - if you'd like.

what if you decided not to plan a huge defense, and there wasn't going to be a huge fight or argument? What if you decide to simply - calmly, not defensively - say that you like it when helps you out and that it makes you feel like he cares. So you hope he does that in the future, whether you ask or not, because your marriage is important and so is feeling valued. then, if you're really feeling crazy, ask him what you can do to make him feel like you care. (that's totally extra credit, though) just a thought! good luck, girl!

JayMonster said...

holymama! has a great point.

As long as it is going to be a "fight" nobody is going to win.

If you can "work on a plan" to "ensure there is better communication" and no "misunderstanding" in the future, far more will get accomplished than with finger pointing.

If you point a finger at him, regardless of whether you are right or wrong, he is going to "defend" himself. So don't go that route. Point out how you feel and how things could be better communicated so that you do not have to feel that way any longer. He is already acknowledging that there is a "gap" that needs to be fixed. Work from there.

Oh, and one thing I will lay at your feet for future consideration. Men do not "get" hints all that well. It is the way we are. Men don't get "subtle." Next time, don't let things simmer while you hope he gets a clue you left him. Tell him, upfront before it needs to be an arguement, and perhaps it can be resolved before it is one.

Now it is possible that the problems will continue, but that is an indication of different issues that need to be resolved. Fix the communications first and work from there.

Of course I could be wrong, my wife usually thinks I am ;)

kim said...

Do you love him? Aside from the obvious male insensitivity does he love you?

I'm going to sound like an old crone, but I have been there.

Men are giant babies. It may not be right but, it's a reality that can not be changed instantly. They really don't know all the things that need to be done and they really don't want you dictating a list to them. In my case, I like you, took it personally that he didn't get off his ass and help. I took it personally and it wasn't. One day he said you know you could just let me know all the things that have to be done and then we can divide up the list together. Life is too short to be a marytyr.

I know that men should be able to look around and know what needs to be done. They should think of others and be able to see that you're exhausted and need a break. Unfortunately, they are a product of their culture. The evolution of men is a process. With each generation we get a little closer to true equality. I look at the generation (Y)that follows mine (X)and you wouldn't believe the difference. I saw a man take his 2 year old and 4 year old to church by himself because his wife was exhausted. He got them ready and brought them to church by himself!!!

One final thing sometimes I write down my thoughts and give it to my husband. Sometimes are tempers get in the way of real dialogue.

I'm sorry for writing such a long post. I'm a stranger and who the hell am I to give you advice, but your pain is so raw and I really just wanted to help. I hope that in the end you find peace.

HolyMama! said...

jaymonster is right. MEN DON"T GET HINTS. ever. can't believe i forgot to say that.