Lazy Tuesday

I really hate this cold weather. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. Not an option ~ at least not for the next 10 years or so. I'm a big sleeper, too. It's one of my favorite things to do. In my younger days I would sleep until at least 11:00. It's feels so good to just lounge around and do nothing sometimes.

These days I'm up around 7:00. I actually prefer to be up that early, I just wish it was easier to get out of bed. When J gets up she's ready and raring to go. She wants breakfast immediately and I'm still scraping the sleep out of my eyes. Too bad she's not one of those kids who wakes up and hangs out in her crib for a while. I'm not sure those kids really exist. It's just too good to be true. A girlfriend of mine once told me her son wakes up around 7 a.m. but she doesn't get him until 8. He doesn't cry, he doesn't whine, he just plays with the stuffed animals in his crib. Lucky bitch!!

I'm thinking about buying a bed for J soon. She'll be 3 in June and she's getting a little to big for a crib. She doesn't try to climb out, actually I don't think she's ever even considered it. Still, it's gotta come at some point, right? I just kind of figured that making the switch to a bed should come at the same time that she stops napping. As much as I cherish those 2 hours in the afternoon that she naps, the summer is going to be a hard time to keep it up. There's just so much going on. If I've learned anything about this parenting game though, it's that nothing is ever set in stone. Things change ~ every day, every minute, every second.

How was your experience switching from a crib to a bed? Any tips?

Ode to Patrick Dempsey

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, every Sunday night.
For that 5 o'clock shadow, so sexy it's true.
I love thee for your perfect hair too.
I love thee freely for your steamy stare;
I wish I could see you in your underwear.
I love thee purely, you know just how to please me.
I love thee with a passion, Dr. McDreamy
With my TV, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death (or reruns).

Her Future's So Bright

So for the longest time I've been whining and complaining and wondering why it seems like I have the most difficult daughter in the world. I think it's time for a change! I started to make a list of quirks my little J has and how they will benefit her later on. Here's what I came up with ...

She is stubborn as all hell ~ she'll never settle for less than the best!

She loves to throw things ~ I imagine this will come in handy when some selfish asshole breaks her heart (and it WILL happen). She can either chuck a drink in his face or gather up everything he's ever bought her and toss it over a cliff.

She loves to sing ~ American Idol contestant 2022?????

She has an amazing memory ~ now it's funny because we can say ANYTHING and she'll repeat it to no end but later she'll definitely be able to sail through school. And maybe even remember the names of her kindegarten teacher, first crush, first kiss, favorite dolly, and all that other random crap I can't even begin to think of.

She's a creature of habit ~ now it makes things very hard if we have to stray from that routine but someday she'll be an organized, diligent darling little woman.

She's a screamer ~ she'll never get caught in a dark ally because she'd probably blow out an attacker's eardrum.

Sick as a Dog

Sorry I haven't been in the blogging world as of late. I'm recovering from a nasty stomach bug. Man, I got through 10 months of pregnancy without puking and in one day I threw up at least 10 times. I'm sure that was too much information, but I need some sympathy here!! :) Anyway, I'll be back later today to try and update! Hope you'll come back!!

The New SID(s)

Just want to thank Miss Nello over at Diary of the Nello. I was checking out her blog when I came across a link for Sensory Integrative Dysfunction (SID). I think this is what my daughter has. The biggest problem is the texture of food, but she definitely has trouble transitioning and handling her emotions. I've never found anything online so mad props to Miss Nello for clueing me in.

Backwards Talk

My daughter has an embarrassing little quirk. She speaks really well for a 2-year-old and, for whatever reason, she knows what she wants you to say before you even say it. For example: if she were to fall down and get hurt, she would say something like, "awww did you fall down and get a boo boo mommy?"

Now, she's not asking me if I got a boo boo. She's telling me what to say. She wants me to ask her if she's ok. It's really kind of funny. Still, it gets embarrassing when she says things like, "Did you just fart mommy?" or "Did you just do poopies mommy?" If someone were to listen in on our conversations they'd think I was a gross, stinky clutz!!!

Dance Fever

So Saturday night was a blast. An old friend and I went to a place called the Martini Bar. We had a good time even though the place was dead. I think we were the youngest chicas there too. Still, we danced and laughed and drank too much. Now, when I say too much, I mean 2 drinks. For me anyway. I'm the mommy so I can only handle 2 or 3 three drinks before I start acting silly. I'm sure all the mommies out there can relate. It's just not worth it to get wasted and then have to deal with your kids the next day. Unless they're old enough to fend for themselves, but that's not my house. My little girl wants her mommy ALL day long. If you've got a hubby that is willing to let you sleep all day, then you're lucky.

I miss going out with friends and having fun. I don't do it much because the girlfriends I have are either mommies and too busy or single and too crazy. I have always been jealous of girls who have a tight-knit group of gal pals. I never really had that. In high school sure, but everyone kind of disbanded after that. I stayed in touch with 2 girls but they both have kids and it's hard to get together. Not to mention, they don't like to have the same kind of fun I do. I LOVE TO DANCE and have fun and act silly but they're a little more reserved.

Any time I go out and have fun, I always get a little depressed afterwards because I know it'll be a long time before it happens again. I miss my pre-mommy days! Is that horrible to say? I always feel so guilty. What do you do to have fun?

Saturday Night Fever

So it's 8:45 and I'm getting ready to go out with a few girlfriends ~ something I haven't done in ages. I'm a little nervous to tell you the truth! It's weird. I almost forget how to have grown-up fun!! I have no real nice clothes and my hair is totally in need of a touch-up. All I can think about is how cold it is and to watch what I drink because the last thing I want is a hangover. Well, wish me luck!!

Aaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

I am having a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad day. One of my worst days as a mom. I took my daughter to her feeding therapy this morning and she was doing great. Still munching on those french fries (not swallowing, but getting there).

When it was time to clean up and go, she had a meltdown. A HUGE meltdown. I warned her five minutes before we stopped, but that didn't work. I tried distracting her, bribing her, walking away, being patient, yada, yada, yada. Nothing was working. So I warned her again that if she didn't get up and walk out all by herself like a big girl, I would carry her out screaming and yelling. And that's just what she did ~ SCREAM AND YELL.

She dropped to the floor a couple times and pretended to fall asleep. When she wouldn't get up, I picked her up. When she started slipping out of my arms, I put her down and she flopped on the floor. She was making such a scene that people started coming up to me and asking if I needed help. All I wanted to do was get out of there and hide. She was kicking and screaming and flailing her arms. This went on for the entire walk to the car, which went through a quiet hallway IN A HOSPITAL and then through the parking garage.

When we finally got to the car, I pretty much threw her in and shut the door. I got in the front seat and cried my eyes out. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I just wanted to disappear. I cried and yelled ~ cried and yelled some more. She refused to get in her car seat so I waited, then yelled, waited and yelled some more. Then I got out of the car and walked around the back to force her in, but she was already on her way in the seat. I buckled her up, got back in the car, and drove away as fast as I could.

I called my husband so he could distract me from crying but he didn't answer. I turned the radio up so I couldn't hear J screaming and crying. She was trying to wiggle herself out of the car seat. All I could think to myself was, "this is crazy, this is not normal. normal kids don't act like this." I started to cry again and she heard me sobbing. It made her cry harder. I drove as fast as I could and finally got home. I didn't say a word, helped her out of the car and opened the front door. She walked in and laid down on the floor. I took her shoes off, picked her up and brought her into her room. Changed her diaper really quick, pulled the blanket over her, put on some soft music and walked out without saying a word. I heard her whimper as I walked away, but I just couldn't talk. Instead, I curled up into a ball on the couch and cried. I actually sobbed! I felt, I FEEL, so alone in this. No one gets it. I was embarrassed, angry, sad, confused, frustrated. I literally wanted to throw her across the room. Why does it always have to be so difficult?

Snow White Worries

I was just watching "Snow White" with J and was surprised at how scary it was. I mean, the evil queen actually asks her husband to cut out Snow White's heart and bring it back in a box!! She's seen Beauty and the Beast too and it was just as scary. Gaston stabs the poor animal for pete's sake! I guess she's too young but I wonder if a 3 or 4 year-old is even old enough. Would they be scared?

Hubby Hullabaloo

I was just reading a post on one of my favorite blogs What About Mommy and started wondering. How come no one ever tells you about the stress that comes along with having a baby? And I'm not talking about sleepless nights or cranky tantrums. I'm talking about the havoc it wreaks on a marriage. I'm sure it's not all unions. In fact, I'm sure there are some women out there who insist that their marriage is stronger now that they have kids. NOT MINE!

One of the hardest things about having J was dealing with my husband's lack of involvement. I resent him with every cell in my body. His life didn't change one damn bit. Mine was turned upside down - mind, body, and spirit. Some for better, some for worse. I'm trying my best to come to terms with my new role as a mother but there is still a part of me that wishes I could run away and hide. I was so not prepared for how having J would change the dynamic in my marriage. I feel like I am always angry at him. Angry because he doesn't feed her, dress her, change her, bathe her. Angry because he doesn't play with her. And I mean really play. Get down on his hands and knees and play. Throwing her up in the air a few times doesn't count. I'm angry when he gets on the computer 5 minutes after coming home from work. When I try to sneak in a few minutes to update this blog, my daughter is crawling all over me in the chair, pulling my hand, saying, "mommy, play with me please!"

I'm trying so hard to let it all go. To realize that this is my life now, but it's so hard. It's hard because we've been talking about having another baby. Part of me is like, why? I don't know if I can handle another child right now. But I know that if I wait too long, it'll get harder because I won't want to give up the little freedom I have. Plus, my hubby is barely here now. With another one, it'll be doubly hard ON ME!!!

Anyway, where are all the warnings about post-baby marriage blues? Maybe it would have been a little easier if I knew what to expect! Now I'm left to figure this all out on my own. My marriage and our family's happiness depends on me and my ability to keep my shit together!!!!!

Sick and Tired

There is nothing worse than trying to be a good mommy when all I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep for the next 10 hours. I feel like crap! My energy is zapped and it's not like I can take a break and veg on the couch. My sweet little girl wants to play, play, play. "Mommy will you play with me please?" she keeps saying. I count the minutes until my husband comes home so that he can take over, but it never seems to work out that way. It's times like these I wish my mom and sister lived closer. They used to and it was great. I had so much more freedom then. I could run out whenever I needed something or just to get some time alone. Now I can't even find someone to watch J so I can go out to dinner with my hubby. Woe is me!!!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to all you moms out there! I wish mine was going better. Trying to make it with a nasty cold. Sorry I haven't been blogging. I can barely breathe through my nose!!

Let it Snow

I really hate winter!

J's Feeding Therapy

Today was a good day. I brought french fries to J's feeding therapy and watched as she licked and pretended to chew from behind a magic mirror.

I decided today that part of this blog will be used to call attention to a problem that is becoming more and more prevalent. My daughter, almost 3, is in feeding therapy. She DOES NOT chew her food. She has what is called tactile defensiveness. More to the point, she has a problem with texture. Hates anything crunchy or lumpy in her mouth. Will not touch certain foods. She will only eat smooth things like yogurt, pudding, applesauce, baby oatmeal, etc. For the longest time, she was eating ONLY baby food. Pureed jars of baby food.

I noticed something wasn't right when she was about 8 months old. She had no interest in cheeries. Wouldn't touch them. She would gag if I put them in her mouth. She would gag if they were in MY mouth. I tried other things like cheese or pasta or even bread, but she wanted nothing to do with any of it. My pediatrician kept saying it's no big deal. She'll get there. Give her some time. So I did.

On her first birthday, things were no different. I wanted so bad for her to taste a piece of her yummy vanilla cupcake but she refused. Wouldn't even lick the icing. Any time I tried she would scream and cry. Needless to say I never got the face-full-of-cake picture I was hoping for.

Still my pediatrician said, "don't worry." She was gaining weight so there was no cause for alarm. She's just picky people tried to tell me. I knew it was more than that. She didn't like the way the grass felt on her bare feet. She hated finger paint and sand. She would have a tantrum if the sun was in her eyes. It was drivng me crazy that these things were upsetting her and everyone kept saying it was normal.

So, at her 2 year checkup with the doc, I said I wanted to see somebody. He suggested a feeding therapist. I went to see her and she also suggested getting her evaluated by Early Intervention, which I did.

She qualified for both and has been receiving occupational therapy and feeding therapy for a little less than a year now. The progress has been EXTREMELY slow going. The worst part for me is not having anyone to talk to. I know absolutely no one who has ever had to deal with something like this. I searched the web but the moms I found had kids who were either autistic or had downs syndrome and my daughter has neither. In fact, she is super bright. And that's part of the problem.

I could never trick her or bribe her or force her to eat. When I did get past the fear and anxiety and get her to eat a spoonful of macaroni and cheese or pastina, she would gag and throw up. It is a vicious cycle.

I've gone from feeling hopeful to desperate and finally back to hopeful.

In her session today, she actually tried french fries!! A HUGE step! She put them in her mouth and pretended to chew. She would suck on them and even break off small pieces and put them in her mouth. It might not sound like much, but if you know how we've been struggling for the past year, you'd be proud.

The tricky part now is achieving success at home. She won't do the same things for me that she does for the therapist.

So I'm going to keep updating you on J's progress and if you know anyone out there going through the same thing, please tell them to come check me out. Maybe we can start a support group or something. Lord knows I need it!!

Morning Tantrums

I had the worst morning of my life today. All I wanted to do was get to work on time and my daughter was determined to keep me from my mission. She's no match for me. I have nicknamed her the queen of scream.

I am at my wit's end. I'm doing everything I can think of just to get her out the door in the morning. I bride, I plead, I beg, I yell, I try to be patient. Nothing is working. I feel so beat down, so exhausted. I know this phase won't last forver, that she won't be a terrible two-year old forever, but that's the way it feels. I have no one to talk to because no one truly understands. I'm the one who's with her all day long. She only treats me like dirt. It's so hard to keep my head up on days like this. I just want to lock myself in the closet and cry.

Sorry

I installed something to make it easier to comment and I think it may have deleted all of my comments. I just wanted to apologize! I was so proud that someone was actually reading the site and now the proof is gone. :( Please comment again!!!

Katie Holmes Pic

Would someone please tell me what she is wearing?

Diaper Dilemma

My daughter has a new thing. She won't let me change her diaper. I plead, I beg, I even threaten and she screams!!! That's not even the hard part. When she does let me change her diaper, she won't let me wipe her. She'll lay down, let me take it off and then wiggles around until she's standing up. Not so bad when it's just pee, but this goes on for poopy too. I try not to get mad and gently coax her into letting me wipe her standing up. Do you know how hard it is to get her All clean? I've tried bribing her with stickers, threatening her with a time out, distracting her with a video, singing to her, etc. Any suggestions for nipping this bad behavior in the butt?

Britney's Baby Ride

I just read a story about Britney Spears and paparazzi who snapped pics of her driving in the car with her son on her lap. My first reaction was, "geez, give the girl a break." It wasn't exactly a smart decision. I mean, she could have at least hopped in the back and let her bodyguard drive. Still, who knows what was really going on. Maybe she just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. I've never been stalked by photo hogs so I can't say what I would have done, but there have been times when I've driven in the car with my daughter in the back seat on my lap. I feel like I've just admitted some horrible secret, but there was a time when car seats didn't exist. The few times I did it were because my daughter was having a tantrum and I just wanted to get in the car and go home. My husband was there to take over the wheel so I just climbed in the back and made her sit on my lap. Probably not the smartest decision but parenting is about split-second decisions. I just want to clarify one thing that separates Miss Brit and myself though. My daughter is 2 and a half, her son is only 4 months old. Still, are Britney and I the only ones who've ever done this? C'mon, tell me it isn't so.

The Mommy Blues

From an article on Americanbaby.com.

Question
I feel like a horrible person. I just gave birth to my first child three months ago -- a baby girl -- and I really don't like her. She's cranky, fussy, and difficult. I know that things might improve as she grows up, but how do I deal with these feelings? Aren't mothers supposed to naturally adore their children? What's wrong with me?

Answer

Before you judge yourself too harshly, keep in mind that there are two factors to consider -- the baby and the mother.

Babies are born with different temperaments. Some babies are easygoing and social. They seem content no matter what you do with them. Other babies tend to be more irritable, fussy, and difficult. They don't react well to change, to noise, or to any form of stimulation. The new mother may have difficulty forming a bond with these types of babies.

The baby's temperament has an effect on the mother's state of mind. We have all heard women exclaim how they instantly fell in love with their newborn babies. Don't believe for one minute that all mothers feel this way. No other life event will affect a woman more psychologically, socially, and biologically than giving birth to a child. After the birth, her hormones are changing rapidly; she may be more isolated from her friends and family as she spends most of her waking hours caring for her child. A good night's sleep is something she only dimly remembers. No wonder many new mothers experience the "blues" in the days and weeks following the birth of their babies.

For some women, the biological, social, and psychological changes overwhelm their abilities to cope (especially with a difficult, fussy baby). About 10 to 15 percent of all new mothers develop a serious problem known as postpartum depression. Symptoms include sadness; crying spells; feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and excessive guilt; loss of interest or pleasure; and lack of interest in your baby. In extreme cases, some women have thoughts of hurting their babies or themselves. While you may not be experiencing all of these symptoms, the fact that the depression has lasted so many months suggests that you may be one of those women who suffers from a postpartum depression. (Notice I said "may." That diagnosis can only be made after an evaluation by a qualified medical or psychological professional.)

A lot of women are afraid to admit they have these feelings, fearing that people will think they are bad mothers -- or worse, that their babies will be taken from them. Don't be afraid to ask for help. The first step is to stop judging yourself. You are not a bad mother. You have done nothing wrong, and you did not bring this upon yourself. There are effective treatments for this kind of depression. Medication helps about 85 percent of women with postpartum depression. Psychotherapy has also been shown to be very effective. You might want to consider joining a support group. Make sure you have time for yourself separate from your responsibilities as a mother. Other family members may have to take over some of your household jobs for a while. In time, you will likely recover, and your bond with your daughter will begin to grow.
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I think we've all been there at one point. Sometimes I think I'm STILL suffering from postpartum depression! Anyway, it was only until I started talking to other moms that I realized I'm not alone. And neither are you!!!


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Celebrity Moms

Celeb 'Hot Moms' May Redefine Motherhood

(These are just bits and pieces of an article on MSN.com)

Pity the actress who's seen in public wearing an oversized T-shirt these days. All it takes is one paparazzi shot of a belly that looks anything but flat and the "bump watch" begins. "Pitt & Jolie: New Bump Pics!" screams an US Weekly headline. "Little bump?" asks Star, drawing a bright yellow circle around Gwyneth Paltrow's midsection.

The celebrity media seem convinced that every gorgeous woman in Hollywood has either given birth recently, is pregnant or should be.
But beyond selling magazines and fueling conversation on the Starbucks line, this growing obsession with "celebrity moms" is rippling out to affect "regular" moms across the country.

Regular mothers are starting to think they're falling dramatically short. And who can blame them, with the deluge of TV sound bites and glossy photo spreads depicting blissful, well-rested celebrity moms who delight in parenthood's every moment?

Look: Debra Messing stops by Dean & DeLuca with baby Roman! Look: Angelina picks up a few groceries at Whole Foods with little Maddox! And they do it all while pursuing their careers!

No one bursts the bubble by mentioning that those jaunts to the store are strictly optional — because the rich and famous often subcontract the grunt work so they can hit the talk-show circuit, film the next movie, spend the day at the spa — or hit a club at midnight in that miniskirt that already fits again.

"The regular mothers of America, meaning you and me, are forced to read about all these things that these perfect celebrity mothers do so that their kids will be Nobel laureates by the time they're 12," says Susan Douglas, author of "The Mommy Myth," which examines the unrealistic demands of modern motherhood. "But they have a SWAT team of nannies, so of course child-rearing is a pleasure."

So true!! Thought you other "regular moms" might find this interesting!

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Is it Wrong?

To lie and tell your daughter the VCR is broken when it really isn't because you can't stand to watch "Bear in the Big Blue House" one more time?

To put your daughter to bed at 6:30 because she's being a total terror and all you want to do is put your feet up on the couch and watch "Access Hollywood?"

To send your daughter to school in her pajamas because she refuses to get dressed?

To let your daughter eat macaroni and cheese for dinner EVERY NIGHT?

To get excited about going to work in the morning?

To be unsure about whether or not you want a second child?

Guilt: My Constant Companion

I knew having a baby would be a roller coaster of emtions - fear, anxiety, pride, and joy. What I wasn't prepared for was an overwhelming sense of guilt! It rules my life. I feel guilty when I discipline her. I feel guilty when I leave her and go to work. I feel guilty when she cries. I feel guilty about not always enjoying my role as a mother.

Guilt is such a powerful tool, too. It gets my daughter a second cup of chocolate milk. It buys her extra Christmas presents. The only good part is that it usually results in lots and lots of hugs and kisses.

20 Minutes

That's how long it took me to get my daughter dressed this morning. And it's not because she was trying to dress herself. Instead, she was screaming and crying. I tried to remain as calm as I could but I needed to get to work and my patience was wearing thin. It's so exhausting coming up with new ways to trick her into doing things. Simple things like combing her hair or putting her coat on almost always end up with her crying and me yelling. When will it end??